


i need my girl

by IzzieBee



Series: The Blue House [1]
Category: Runaways (TV 2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Beach House, Character Death, F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Idiots in Love, Mutual Pining, Non Platonic Bed Sharing, PTSD, Platonic Bed Sharing, Therapy, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-02-16 14:38:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 32,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13056021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IzzieBee/pseuds/IzzieBee
Summary: Comic/TV Canon Divergence“Where should we go?” Molly asked, her eyebrows scrunched up, worry creeping into her voice, “Gert said that everything was seized by the government. All our houses and stuff.”“Not everything,” Karolina said, a small smile on her face, she could almost smell the salt in the air, the smell of burning wood. “I think I know a place”.Alex Wilder betrayed The Runaways and died in battle, while The Pride is in Jail. Now what?





	1. i know, i know, i know

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, y'all, this starts kind of dark, but it has a happy ending- trust.

The fluorescent lights in the hospital waiting room were giving Karolina a headache. 

Well the giant gash on your face is probably not helping. 

She reached up to touch it, twenty stitches from the middle of her forehead to her cheekbone, running parallel to her hairline; she stopped herself though.

Don’t make it worse. 

She had almost cried when she saw the jagged line in the hospital bathroom, the metal stitches with dried blood still on the edges. She was still in the clothes from the battle, her hair falling out of her blonde braid, dirt caked on her jeans and blood in patches on her shirt. Too much blood for it to all be hers.

Gert looked nearly as worse for wear, her glasses broken, and abandoned in some hospital trash can and a dozen scrapes on her arms and legs, half of which needed stitches. She would have looked even worse if it hadn’t been for Old Lace, who was now sleeping in Karolina’s car. That would be interesting to explain to the hospital, it almost made Karolina smile. 

Almost.

They had both been trying to wash up in the public sink, as quickly as possible, not wanting to leave Molly asleep in Chases hospital room alone- wanting to make sure someone would be waiting for Nico when she got out of surgery, but Karolina couldn’t help but stare at the stitches. She wasn’t sure if it would scar, with her alien biology. Part of her wanted it to, to have a reminder, but so much of her just wanted to forget. 

“And your still pretty with a big hole in your face,” Gert said, rolling her eyes, no venemon in her voice, “And you glow. Its fucking unreal.”

That would have annoyed Karolina, even days ago, but she knew that this was Gert's own jagged way of caring, she couldn't fault her for that. Gert had held her hand while the surgical intern stitched her up in the emergency room, she didn’t say anything about how hard she was squeezing it, she didn’t say anything about the tears running down her face. Gert never let go of her hand, as they both got patched up, Gert with a long gashs down her arm and on her collarbone, Karolina also had a deep cut, almost to the muscle on her leg from the shrap metal. She didn't tell Karolina that it was just her looks that it, or that stitches didn't hurt as much as surgery, that this was not anything else like Nico or Chase or Alex-

Alex. 

She shouldn’t hate the dead. 

But she did.

Yes, she was sad for the kind boy she knew, the boy she grew up with. She could come up with a dozen fond memories, a hundred kind moments. Now they were all tarnished.

When she thought of him she felt rage. Pure simple, threatening to burn through her like a flame. Karolina should have let the rage she felt float away. She should have let the pain float away- she lost her religion, but she should have used it know, conjured it up. 

What she wouldn't give to feel serenity. 

But Alex lied to them, all of them and for what? When Alex turned on them, the police and criminals they had not even known about joining in the mele, everyone but Molly got hurt. Chase had a broken arm and a concussion, Nico had fractured ribs and a punctured lung, and between Karolina and Gert they had to get 70 stitches. All of their parents were in jail and Karolina's father was dead. 

The Pride murdered her father. 

Karolina’s father, her real father, was the man who raised her. Jonah was in the wind neither the hero or villain of his piece, but Frank. The Pride murdered him when her found out to much. Alex was complicit in that, in murdering the man who walked Karolina to the door of her classroom, every day of kindergarten, and most of first grade too. The man who ran with her in the canyon every weekend, and never made her feel less than. Alex helped kill Frank, as far as Karolina was concerned. Three weeks ago at the funeral, Alex had looked Karolina in the eye and said he was sorry for her lost. Had he meant it? Did it matter? 

And now Alex was dead, too.

What was the point? 

Karolina knew that there parents had blinders on trying to maintain the lives they thought that they were entitled to and that Alex had been desperate for his father's love and approval, but she didn’t understand why.

Karolina had stood in the wreckage, holding Nico as she sobbed, further cracking her damaged ribs, as the sirens moved closer and closer. She had so badly wanted to heal her hurt, to give Nico back her first love, even if it meant she could never be with her. She would have gone to the ends of the earth to soothe that grief, even as the pain of her father's death, still burned through her like she was on fire. 

Nothing could be worth it, that caused this much pain. 

What could she do though?

Karolina could not erase Nico’s hurt, or her own, or the rest of the teams. She felt completely and utterly useless. 

Karolina took a deep breath, in then out, trying to shut out the memories and focus on the now. She was in the hospital waiting room. Nico was here. Gert and chase were here. Molly was in her car, but she was safe. 

Nico was here. 

Karolina couldn’t stop playing with her medical alert bracelet. She knew she should be more careful, one too hard twist or tug, and she would light up the whole room. 

Wouldn’t that be something.

It wasn’t like her and the rest of the team were want of attention. The last few days, Molly, Gert and Karolina had split there time between Chase and Nicos hospital rooms, making sure neither of them woke up alone. The only time they had left the hospital, was to briefly get changes clothes and for Gert and Karolina, to meet with lawyers and detectives. It turns out when your parents are murders that destroyed half of Sunset, there is a lot of paperwork. Between the team having their pictures in the paper (they were deemed The Runaways, the picture of which seemed pretty dumb to her, but whatever), and the fact they were three teenagers who maintained a constant presence in the hospital without any adult supervision, they got a lot of stares. 

Imagine if Old Lace were her too. 

That made her smile, she really did like that dinosaur; she almost wanted to Gert to march the dinosaur in here, with her goggles and hard stare. If they were going to gawk at them might as well give them something good to look at. 

The battle had happened three days ago, and Chase and Nico were finally getting checked out of the hospital today; Chase was the last one to be discharged because the doctors had been a little worried about his cognitive state, after the concussion.

“Oh he’s always like that.” Gert teased. Karolina noticed that she had been holding Chase’s hand. She was happy for them, she never wanted to hurt Chase, and she was glad the pain she inflicted was not permanent. 

He had been a good sport when she had told him, a month and a half ago, that she was pretty sure (meaning absolutely, unequivocally, certainly sure) that she was a lesbian. 

“That,” Chase said, looking a bit dumb founded. “Actually makes a lot of sense.”

“Yah.” Karolina said.

“Your super power is even turning into a giant rainbow!”

“Oh shut up!”

Chase and Gert were at the counter doing paperwork. Or at least, Gert was doing paperwork while Chase looked blissed out in a wheelchair- Karolina suspected he got the good drugs, on account of his arm. 

Molly went to grab something from the car, two hours ago, and Karolina went looking for her in panic, but, luckily, found her passed out in the back seat. She had slept for 60 of the last 72 hours, burnt out from the battle- she wasn’t hurt at least. Nico, was sitting next to Karolina in another uncomfortable plastic chair. She had been discharged an hour ago, Karolina wheeling her through the automatic front doors, where they waited for the nurse to leave, and they quietly went inside to wait for Chase. Karolina would never understand hospitals. 

Don’t look at Nico. 

Karolina looked at Nico; she looked younger than usual with no makeup, and her hair pulled up in ponytail. Karolina had gone to her house to get her clothes, she and Gert actually visited all of the teams houses, trying to pack bags for their friends, with various amounts of success, but Nico had chosen to wear a long sleeve black t-shirt, leggings and converse, out of character. She looked like she did before her sister died; even then, looking back, Karolina was enamored by her, having to force herself to look away, trying not to count how many times Nico smiled at her. 

Nico was still so beautiful, but she seemed hallowed out. Karolina couldn’t stand it, but she couldn’t look away. 

More than the rest of them Alex betrayed her. The five of them’s Junior year had been coming to a close (and Molly’s Freshman one), and they were dealing with the Church of Gibborim, The Pride, and finals. They felt as if they were getting closer to the truth. Then Nico and Alex broke up but assured everyone that they were still friends, and a week later they were trying to stop mass murder in downtown LA, except Alex was trying to stop The Runaways. 

That’s what they were wasn't it?

Everything was changing so fast, and Karolina couldn’t help but wonder what Nico and Karolina were. Was it all strictly platonic, Karolina would chalk it all up to her first straight girl crush/heartbreak, which according to tumblr was a right of passage for ‘baby gays’, but then there was that moment…

Nothing. It wasn’t a moment. It wasn't romance. She kissed you when she was drunk on the rebound, the day after a break up. You were so in love with her, you let her, and this was all before her ex-boyfriend and first love died-

Karolina looked away.

Gert wheeled Chase over to them.

“Well I guess it’s time.” Gert said, fiddling with the handle of the wheelchair. Karolina glanced at Nico again, but she was staring into space, listlessly. 

They walked (well Chase rolled) through the double doors, and the California sun was bright and warm; to bright and warm for the post-Alex, post-Pride world, but quietly comforting as well. 

They reached Karolina’s car, Old Lace sleeping in the hatch back trunk, and Molly, surprisingly, awake in the passenger seat. 

As she slid into the driver's seat, Gert helped Chase with the door, sliding into the middle seat, and Nico, leaned against the window, and closed her eyes.

“I think I have finally gotten all sleep-ed out.” Molly said. “Or whatever.”

“That’s great.” Karolina offered with a small smile. 

“Where should we go?” Molly asked, her eyebrows scrunched up, worry creeping into her voice, “Gert said that everything was seized by the government. All our houses and stuff.”

“Not everything,” Karolina said, a small smile on her face, she could almost smell the salt in the air, the smell of burning wood. “I think I know a place”.


	2. more than your devil side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nico, Karolina and the team go to the Blue House. Angst ensues.

They drove in silence, the five of them (plus Old Lace in the back), and Nico kept her eyes closed, leaning against the warm glass, feeling the sun after days in a hospital bed. She didn’t know where they were going, and she couldn’t bring herself to care.

Everything felt wrong, the medication, still running through her made her slightly queasy, and even the cotton of her T-shirt felt wrong against her skin. She wished she could quiet her head and heartbeat, was going off like a drummer on speed.

I should have paid attention when I took mediation for an elective.

Everything was too much, the smell of oil on the highway, the quiet sound of rustling in the car, people adjusting in their seats. The longer she sat still, the longer she thought about it, the worse she felt. Her heart felt like it was going to explode, like she was still running; It was like there was a tempest in her chest, and nothing she could do would quiet it. 

Alex was dead, her parents were in jail, Amy was dead, Nico was alive. 

Karolina was alive. Karolina was safe. 

When Nico had woken up for the first time in the hospital, out of a haze of anesthesia and pain meds and grief the only thing on her mind was Karolina. Was she safe? Was she hurt?

Blinking through the fog of drugs, and sleep she tried to call out for her, but it was like her voice stopped working; horse whispers replacing the voice Nico recognized as her own. She blinked up at the fluorescent lights, and remembered she could turn her head, and began looking around the room. 

Karolina

Even if she’s not her it doesn’t mean-

Karolina 

Please, Nico needed to see her again, she needed her to know-

Karol-

Then she saw her, Karolina, curled up in the same dirty clothes from the battle and a stitched up cut spanning her face, in a chair next to her hospital bed. Karolina must have dragged it over, because the arm chair was a close as physically possible; Karolina’ head rested on the side of her mattress, her arm awkwardly out stretched. The needles and tubes kept Nico mostly imobile so all she could do was reach out her hand, to grab Karolina, resting on the bed. 

She’s here. 

Karolina’s safe.

It was only as she fell back asleep that she remembered Alex. She felt so guilty that she could throw up, but she wasn’t strong enough to let go of her hand. When she woke up again, the sun shining slivers through the drawn curtains. Karolina didn’t say anything, she just smiled her thousand watt smile. 

“I’m glad your awake.” Karolina said; she looked like a mess, there was marks on her face from her head resting at an odd angle of the mattress, her usually obnoxiously perfect complexion marred by dark circles under her eyes and a jagged line of stitches on her forehead. Karolina was still holding her hand, but now she was sitting up holding it with two hands. Like Nico was something precious, like Nico was something good. 

“You’re still here.” Nicos voice sounded like it was rubbed with sandpaper.

Karolina laughed, and it wasn’t tingling or like bells like in a romance novel. It was quiet and wispy, almost like Karolina had a smoking habit she was keeping from the rest of them. 

“Of course I am.” Karolina smiled, “How are you feeling? Do you need some water, do you want me to get you a nurse-”

Nico didn’t know how to reconcile it: the pain, the grief, the anger, the want. 

It was hard to admit, but she had fallen out of love with Alex long before they broke up, and this fire, this flame she had been holding for Karolina, happened way before they kissed-

She never told her. She was just going to hurt her.

She wanted to be close to Karolina, but maybe she burned that bridge, or more importantly didn’t deserve it. Alex went through with the betrayal after she broke up with him-

“You couldn’t have done anything differently” Karolina had whispered into her hair, as they waited for the ambulances, her ribs the most physical pain she had ever felt, the image of Alex's crumpled body tattooed to her eyelids, “He had been feeding them information for months.”

But maybe he would have changed his mind. Maybe he wouldn’t have gone through with it, it I hadn’t fallen for someone else. 

Nico wondered if she would ever forget it. The smell of smoke, and blood, while Karolina held her.

No. She wouldn't. 

Nico must have fallen asleep, in the backseat of Karolina’s car, sifting through her memories, because when she next woke up, they were not in LA, they were on a two lane highway, cutting through greenish yellow hills. 

“Where are we?” Nico asked rubbing at her eyes. 

“A bit south of San Luis Obispo,” Karolina answered, looking at Nico in the rear view mirror. 

“Where are we going?” Nico stretched, trying to place there location based on the road signs, but she didn’t recognize any of the town names. 

“We are almost there.” Karolina eyes returned to the road. “It’s a house my parents put in my name. I guess as a tax haven or something, maybe my dad realized everything could go sideways or something. Also he changed the day I receive my trust fund.”

“So we don’t have to worry about who's buying dinner.” Chase said. 

“My Dad made 2 million for his last picture.” Karolina smirked, “You can owe me until you get a paper route.”

The car became silent again; Nico realized this was strange, Karolina always had the radio on. Soon Karolina turned, and they drove down a gravel paved road, the sun blotted out by the the branches of trees, after a minute of driving down the road, the reached a clearing, with a bright blue two story house, with white trim and shingles, that faced the pacific ocean; the house was old fashioned, and on the right side of rundown, like you find doting the the coasts of Maine. The house sat in a grass field, a wrap around porch, picnic tables, a fire pit, even kayaks and one canoe, that looked like it had seen better days, on a rack.

“We called it the Blue House.” Karolina’s voice was so low, Nico almost missed it. 

“It’s amazing.” Molly gasped. 

“Yah.” Karolina said as she parked, and turned off the car. She turned to Molly, handing her the keys. “Why don’t you go open the front door, we can start grabbing the bags.”

“Ok.” Molly sad brightly, bounding to the front door, painted red with white trim.

“There should be enough room for everyone.” Karolina said, “There’s five bedrooms. My mom used it for the Church retreats sometimes. There's even a woodshed, behind those trees over there, I was thinking we could make it into a ‘dinosaur’ house”

“Sweet.” Gert said “Old Lace is probably itching to run around. How secluded are we here, by the way?”

“Pretty secluded,” Karolina answered. “You can’t own a beach in California, but this strip is pretty small, so my parents bought all the surrounding land-”

“Wait how big is this property?”

“About 350 acres, give or take-”

“Holy shit.”

“2 million a picture remember?” Karolina said with a shrug, “That’s chump change compared to the church…”

Karolina trailed off. Nico wanted to tuck the strand of hair that was out of place in her braid back in place. She kept her hands at fists at her side instead. 

Nico got out of the car, stretching her arms above her head, Gert, Karolina, and Chase following her.

Karolina opened the trunk. Nico saw one of her suitcases in the back of the car. 

“They wouldn’t let us take much,” Karolina answered her unasked question, “From any of our houses; after the investigation they will send the rest to us, if we want. Or storage.” 

Old Lace was curled up in the back, taking up a surprisingly small amount of space; next to her where five suitcases, a few back packs, some textbooks, some of Chases tools and gadgets, a laptop, the staff of one. Five kids lives, and it could fit in the back of Karolina’s hatchback. 

Unreal. 

“I am surprised they even let us take this.” Nico wondered if it was a blessing in disguise, not having to go back to the house. She wanted Amy’s journal, and her things, but packing them up after… everything, would have gutted her. 

“Gert can be very scary when she wants to be.” Karolina glances back smiling in Gerts direction. 

“Hey.” Gerts face scrunched up.

“And that’s a bad thing because?” Chase asked; he was leaning against the car, still looking Jock Cool in his bright purple cast. “I think its hot.”

“True.” Karolina said solemnly.

“Shut up.” Gert blushed. 

“You love it.” Karolina laughed, “Come on I will show you guys the house.”

They brought in all of the luggage in a few trips. Well, Gert and Karolina did. Nico couldn’t lift anything thanks to the ribs, Karolina had scolded her when she tried, much to her chagrin. Chase tried to help, but he was actually kind of a klutz, despite the lacrosse, and that was when he didn’t have an broken arm. The work went much faster once Molly ran back from exploring and soon they were all standing in the living room and kitchen, a huge open concept that took up the entire first floor. It was warmer than Karolina's house in LA, wood floors and light blue furniture, landscapes and photos of california wildlife on the wall. Also the giant flood to ceiling windows overlooking the ocean helped.

“I used to love coming here.” Karolina said wistfully. 

“It's really cool.” Molly said, she was wearing a striped beanie with a giant puff on the top the color of a mango, and despite all the sleep that she had been getting, she looked so pale. Nicos heart hurt.

How could Alex have wanted to hurt Molly?

“Thanks.” Karolina smiled, she was fiddling with the sleeve of her shirt, “Why don’t I take you up to go see your rooms?”

They walked up the stairs, to a short hallway, with five doors, two on either side, and one at the end.

“The four bedrooms here are a bit smaller, they have double beds.” Karolina shifted from one foot to another. “But they all have great views, the ocean or the mountains. The one down there is my parents. It's bigger if anyone wants-”

“Why don’t you take that one.” Gert said gently.

“Right.” Karolina said, she swallowed, “Right. Molly you can have my old room, I think there's some clothes there from a few summers ago in there that will still fit you.”

They all picked rooms after that. Not that it really matter, besides Karolina's old room, the other three were virtually all the same, light blue wallpaper, light blue comforter, a small night stand that matched white wooden bookcases with no books except Church sanctioned ones. The best part of Nicos room was the big window facing away from the ocean, the trees and hills turning into mountains were beautiful. 

Nico tried to unpack, she really did. She just felt so tired, weather it was from grief or medication, she wasn’t quite sure, so she she abandoned her suitcase for the bed at the center of the room, a climbed into bed falling asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. 

When she woke up, the sun was lower in the sky, almost ready to set. She dragged herself out of the bed, and wandered down stairs. The rest of the team were downstairs, Gert and Chase sitting next to each other on the couch, Karolina and Molly were at the kitchen table, a deck of cards between them. As Nico walked closer she saw that they were playing Uno!. 

“O.K.,” Chase said into his phone, “Three pizzas, one half cheese half veggie. One meat lovers. One….Vegan-”

“Salad,” Gert piped up from next to him on the couch. “We need salad.”

“Why?” Chase asked, “We are already getting half veggie and vegan-”

“Why do you always say vegan like that?” 

“Like what?” Chase countered.

“We need vegetables,” Gert said, ignoring Chase, “None of us have eaten anything but hospital and vending machine garbage in days.”

“Hello?” The phone must have been on speaker because even Nico could hear it. She almost smiled.

“Oh shit, right,” Chase said remembering he was still on the phone. “One half cheese/veggie. One meat lovers. One vegan. One salad-”

“Large salad.”

“Sorry one large salad, Ranch please.”

“Thank you.” Gert beamed, like Chase had solved Climate Change, and not ordered a half a pound of lettuce.

“We have to get better at this.” Nico muttered, mostly to herself, as she sat down at the kitchen table next to Molly, and across from Karolina. 

“At what?” Karolina asked, looking intensely at her cards before she put down a red 4, much to Molly’s chagrin.

“Playing grown up.” The words came out sharper than she meant them to, luckily only Karolina seemed to notice. 

“Were just doing are best.” Karolina said gently at the same time that Molly yelled out “Uno!”

They kept playing as they waited for the pizza; Nico declined to play, but Gert and Chase joined in a few minutes later. When Karolina went to pay for the pizza, Nico watched as the pizza guy almost dropped all the food, stammered over his words and almost ran into the open screen door on his way to leave.

“He was nice,” Karolina said mildly, balancing the pizzas and salad.

Nico grabbed the salad, to bring it to the counter.

“He was about two minutes away from proposing.”

“He was not.” Karolina blushed deep red, and averted her eyes, making herself busy grabbing plates and cups for water. 

Did she even notice the effect she had on people? 

They ate in relative silence, except for Molly and Gert who were trying to decide what they should do tomorrow.

“Kayaking for sure.” Molly said.

“I am sleeping for, like” Gert paused, “Ever.”

Nico realized Gert and Karolina hadn’t slept in a real bed since the battle, her stomach clenched uncomfortable, she set down her half eaten slice of pizza. 

“What’s the plan by the way.” Nico said quietly to Karolina, while the rest cleaned up “None of us are eighteen, aren't we supposed to be wards of the state? How are we even here right now”

“Me and Gert talked the lawyer into filing emergency emancipation ,” Karolina said, “Technically not legal, but Pride kept him on retainer so…”

“The lawyer is good.” Nico surmised and Karolina nodded. 

“You and Chase will have to sign something the next couple days, but with Molly it's a bit more complicated.”

“Complicated how?” Nico asked. 

“She’s fourteen,” Karolina's voice lowered even further, forcing Nico to lean in, “Technically she is under the guardianship of Gert right now, but it means that a social worker is going to have to do home visits and she's going to have to go to court to make it all official.”

“Well shit.” Nico let out a low exhale. 

“Yah.” 

They both looked over at Gert and Molly who were putting away the leftovers, Gert looks through the cupboards and refrigerator. 

“You have like, no food here.” Gert said over her shoulder. 

“The last time we were here was Christmas.” Karolina shrugged. 

“So wasteful-” Gert started and then stopped. “Sorry.”

“It’s ok.” Karolina said, “But I think the murders were probably worse than the ecological concerns of second home ownership.”

Gert looked appropriately mollified. After everything was cleaned up, they toyed halfheartedly with the idea of watching a movie, but everyone looked bone tired. 

“Tomorrow.” Karolina said. “Tomorrow a movie for sure.” 

Soon after everyone started to go upstairs to get ready for bed, Molly first, then Chase, and at last Gert, who sent a knowing look at Karolina as she left. 

“Hey,” Karolina said. 

“Hey.”

“You don’t need to stay down here because I am.” Karolina said. “Go to bed. I am just not tired yet.”

“No me either,” Nico said, “ I took a nap earlier.”

“Oh, Ok.” Karolina was in a light blue sundress, the kind with a ton of different straps and the white of a lace bralette peeking out. She had a giant tan scarf, blanket thing wrapped around her shoulders and she had shaken her hair loose out of it’s braid, so it was wavey almost to the middle of her back.

“I think I might go for a walk, clear my head.” 

“Ok.” Karolina nodded seriously. “That’s a good idea.” 

“Yah.” Nico stayed stationary. She couldn’t stop looking at Karolina, it was so much harder to deny the butterflies in her stomach, when they were alone together. 

She could lean in. She could-

Nico turned on her heel before she did something stupid, almost running into the glass door that lead to the porch.

“Wait.” Karolina, tapped on her shoulder, when she turned around, she removed the scarf from her shoulders and wrapped it around Nico’s. Her hands brushed against Nicos bare collarbone, as Karolina adjusted the fabric. 

Nico’s heart skipped a beat. 

“It’s getting cold.” Karolina said, not meeting Nico’s eyes. Nico could still feel an echo of Karolina’s hand on her skin. “The sun is going to set soon.”

“Yah.” Nico said, not quite sure what she was agreeing to. She turned on her heel, and walked through the open glass door, across the wooden deck, through its small gate, to the sand. Nico had bare feet, and as she walked down the beach, she was able to focus on the sound of the waves and seagulls, the smell of salt, and the feeling of sand between her toes. She wasn’t sure how long she walked, but eventually she reached a bluff, rock and scrub shooting straight up. She turned around and realized that she couldn’t see the blue house anymore.

Despite Karolina's warning, the sun only stared setting, as she approached the house. Karolina was on the porch, sitting in one of the wooden lawn chairs, a fire blazing in the outdoor pit next to her, a knitted white blanket over her lap, and a glass of wine in her hands. 

Karolina didn’t seem to notice Nico approach.

“You broke open your Mom’s wine cellar?” Nico asked. Karolina's cheeks were pink, like she put on too much blush, and her bright blue eyes were like saucers. It was not her first glass. 

“Yah.” Karolina said, looking at her glass, “You want some?”

“My meds-” Nico said as an explanation. Even if it hadn’t been true, she wouldn’t have wanted to lose control. Again. 

“Right,” Karolina said. “Sorry.”

“It’s ok.” Nico meant it. 

“I’m sorry.”

“About what?”

“The kiss.” Nico stared, Karolina continued, “I’m not sorry, but I’m sorry you know?”

“Yah,” Nico whispered, “I am sorry I was drunk though. I wish the first time.. I mean… I wish..I was sober.”

Nico floundered. She wanted to say she wanted to kiss Karolina all the time. If she didn’t want to kiss Karolina she wanted to be touching her. To be touching her hair, holding her hand, holding her.

To be touching more-

She didn’t tell her about the dreams, that started before she ended things with Alex, that left Nico panting, and with a not totally uncomfortable, foreign heat between her legs. 

Everytime Karolina so much as brushed by her, she ached with the possibility of more. 

That was the only chance she would ever have to kiss Karolina, and she had been drunk, and it burned her from the insides like that cheap vodka Karolina loved so much. 

“Yah.” Karolina's expression was unreadable. “That was the first time...”

“I was your first kiss.” Nico interrupted horrified. 

Nico remembered everything about that kiss. Even with her hazy, whiskey soaked memories. 

She had been complaining about Alex, going every ugly moment of the break up, while Karolina sat and listened. Then she basically threw herself on her, threading her fingers through her blonde hair and kissing. 

That kiss, that tasted like Jack and Coke, and chapstick and home, blew every other kiss she had ever had out of the water. Karolina was soft, and sweet, there was intensity that was intoxicating, she gave as good as she got, Karolina was practically on top of her when they broke apart.

Then Nico had burst into tears.

Her guilt over breaking up with Alex and not breaking up with him sooner, her feelings for Karolina deep and intense and not well examined, swirling around with too much alcohol was to much for Nico.

Karolina deserved better. She deserved a fairytale first kiss. 

“Not exactly.” Karolina smiles, “Chase kissed me first, actually.”

Nico bristled. Karolina was a lesbian, she wasn’t interested in Chase like that, but Nico kind of wanted to drop kick him off the back porch, and into the ocean. 

“Wait.” Nico said. “Chase was your first kiss?”

“Kind of?” Karolina said, laughing without humour, not meeting her eye and instead looking deeper into her glass, “I mean I feel like you should probably be an active participant of a kiss you know. He kissed me, I was just kind of there. My eyes were open the whole time”

“Seriously?” Nico felt sick to her stomach. 

“Yah,” Karolina’s face got serious, she looked straight at Nico, “You were the first kiss that I kissed back. You were the first kiss I wanted. I just wished you had wanted me too. I should thank you for that. For my first real kiss.”

“You don’t have to thank me.” Nico had wanted the kiss. Selfishly, against her better judgment. Her feelings for Karolina were intense, life changing, like a hurricane or a flood, and those feeling were capable of hurting the person she loved most. 

I love her. I love Karolina. 

How long had she been in love with Karolina? Since before she broke up with Alex. They would spend hours trying to solve the puzzle of how to defeat Pride, but it was more than that. It was Karolina’s kindness, her loyalty, her faith that even if her religion was flawed- that there was good and beauty and light in the universe. 

Once, at two in the morning, after hours of research, and even more hours of talking. About Amy and Alex and Gibborim, and their parents. They had laid, feet at opposite ends of Nicos bed, heads next to each other. 

“I think maybe the world is just chaos.” Nico had whispered. “Just cruel chaos.”

“I need to believe that there's more.” Karolina said. 

“What if there's not?”

“Then we have to do right by one another.” Karolina answered, staring at the ceiling, playing with her bracelet. “We have to try to be kind, and good. Less selfish.” 

Karolina, who looked like the perfect church girl, all blonde hair and long legs, who carried the weight of the world on her shoulders. 

“I need you to tell me.” Tears began to fall on Karolina’s face. “That you don’t feel anything for me. I won’t be able to move on, until. Please.”

“Karolina.” Nico couldn’t say it. She didn’t feel nothing, she felt everything. 

How could Karolina think that I could not want her? How could anyone not want her?

But she shut her out. 

Coward. 

“You liked kissing me.” Karolina said firmly, “But you were a mess over Alex, I was just there. And I let you because… Anyway, you don’t have to feel like you owe me anything.”

“Karolina, you deserve so much better.” 

Better than Chase, better than me, just better-

“Why don’t I get to decide what I deserve?” Karolina said, her voice razor sharp, “Just say that you don’t like me- like that. Please”

“Karolina” Nico said. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I don’t need your pity.” Karolina hissed as she put down her wine glass next to her on the wooden deck. “But I think I have my answer. I have always known.”

“Karolina please.” Nico felt light headed. 

“I am going to go for a walk.” Karolina interrupts, “ The fire will burn out by itself. You should go to bed.”

“Karolina-” 

“Nico,” Karolina said, “Don’t wait up. I am not mad. It’s fine, I’ll be fine.”

But Nico would't

Nico stood, as though paralyzed, as she watched Karolina slip out onto the sand, and then walk until she was out of her sight line. Nico felt the scarf around her neck. Karolina would be cold, in just her sun dress. The sky was tinged pink and it should have beautiful and life affirming, and proof there was life out of death. Nico just wanted to cry. 

If Karolina took her bracelet off, she would be the same color as the sunset. 

Nico tried to do what Karolina said. After dumping water over the remains of the fire (she wasn’t going to be responsible for breaking her heart and burning down the Blue House), she went upstairs and slipped into bed. 

Sleep evaded her, and she spent hours staring at the small clock next to her bed. She gave up around one in the morning. The usual waking nightmare images, of finding Amy, her parents arrest, Alex dying, Karolina sobbing at her father's funeral, were now interspersed with every horrible moment of the nights conversation. 

Nico sat up. If she couldn’t sleep, she could make sure everyone else was OK. She went across the hall, and quietly opened Mollys door. She was fast asleep, her beanie still on, and a book half opened on her chest, Anne of Green Gables. Nico wondered if it was Karolina’s copy; she had mentioned it was her favorite- Nicos stomach knotted. She closed the door quietly. Next door was Gert. 

She shouldn’t have been surprised that Chase was there too, as color rose in her cheeks. It was all very PJ, they were fully clothed, but still it was so intimate that it made it hard to look at. Nico quietly closed the door. 

Nico stared at the last door, at the end of the hall. Would Karolina still be awake? Would she ever forgive her? Would-

Nico quietly opened the door. The room was amazing, the biggest bed she had ever seen in real life, and two doors that opened onto a deck, that was sure to have an amazing view, but there was no Karolina. Panic welled up in Nicos chest. 

What if she never came back from her walk? What if something happened to her? What if-

Nico’s heart hammered as she ran down the stairs. Her heart only calmed when she saw Karolina, passed out on the couch, still in her sundress, most of the blanket pooled on the floor. Nico took a deep uneven breath and she rearranged the blanket so that it covered Karolina up completely. Karolina snuggled deeper into the pillow and sighed something in her sleep.

Nico pretended that it was not her name. 

She pretended it didn’t make her happy that it was.

Despite her better judgment, she tucked a lock of hair behind Karolina's ear, pausing a second to long.

She quietly walked up stairs, closing the door to her room. She did not fall asleep until five in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEY LOVE EACH OTHER GOSH DARN IT
> 
> Let me know what you think (again) 
> 
> :)


	3. i can't keep quiet

When Karolina woke up the next morning, she was without a hangover (thanks Alien biology), but filled with regret. How could she have called Nico out like that? She was recovering from having her ribs bashed in by a team of there supervillain parents and her ex-boyfriend; it was lower than low, to hit Nico while she was down. 

The guilt helped mask the pain of rejection a little. 

Only a little, though. 

The fact that she was truly rejected by Nico, even more than that disaster first kiss still smarted, it was like her whole body was bruised, and she didn’t want to move the wrong way and make it worse. Only, it wasn’t if she accidently brushed up against something, it was every time she so much as thought about Nico. 

To the ultimatum, the ‘do you feel what I feel’ Nico hadn’t given her a real answer, she just said she didn’t want to hurt Karolina. She felt a chill run down her spine, just thinking about it. It was probably the realest answer she was going to get. 

Nico did not love Karolina, like she loved her. 

She cornered Nico when she finally came downstairs around seven to apologize for her wine fueled ultimatum, the night before. 

“I am so sorry-” Karolina started, before Nico was even halfway down the stairs; luckily for her they were alone, everyone else was still asleep upstairs. 

“You don’t have to apologize.” Nico looked so tired, still no makeup and her hair up in a messy bun, and she was wearing the same clothes as the night before. 

“You are still mourning.” Karolina said. “I feel so bad, so guilty for making that worse. Your my best friend-”

“Your my best friend too.” Nico said quietly. “You are my favorite person.”

Karolina had to stop herself from reading into that, from thinking that it meant more than it did. Nico’s parents were murderers and her sister was dead. The two of them had grew close during the `investigation`. Karolina really meant it, Nico was her best friend. 

Nico was her best friend, and she was hers- that could be enough. It had to be enough. 

“You are too.” Karolina said. “We can go back to normal right?”

It felt odd, asking for normal, when mere hours ago she was asking Nico to upend the status quo of there relationship. 

“Yah of course.” Nico had the ghost of a smile. 

“Good.” Karolina took a shaky breath. “I get it, I’ll get over you. I promise.”

Karolina quickly averted her eyes and rushed past Nico, not waiting for her to respond. She had survived being rejected twice already, she didn’t think she could handle a third time, or even worse, Nico looking at her with pity. 

She hadn’t slept in her parents room, the night before, but her things were there: a suitcase with some clothes, her face wash, deodorant, her makeup bag and laptop. She wish she had thought to bring some books, but Gert and her had to pack everything so fast- maybe when the investigation was done they would send her some books. The only ones here or on any of the shelves, were from church. Her faith had soured in recent months, it was hard to stomach even looking at them, let alone reading them. 

She grabbed her face wash, and quickly scrubbed her face, pulling her hair back into a ponytail; she had showered when they arrived here yesterday, so she just grabbed something new to wear, jean shorts and a tank top, before going back downstairs again. 

Nico was sitting on the couch when she came down stairs, looking through the cupboards and fridge. 

“Hey.” Nico said.

“Hey.” Karolina answered back. 

“Gert was right,” Nico said, “there really isn’t any food here.” 

“I can run to the store, grab some things-”

“I can come with you.” Nico said quickly, “If you want.” 

“Yah,” Karolina smiled, “That sounds good.”

They wrote a note and put it on the kitchen table so the others wouldn’t worry and they drove to a Safeway that was on the edge of Santa Marina, the closest town to the Blue House. Nico writing a grocery list, with Karolina's help, on her phone in the passenger list. They grabbed enough food to feed the five of them for at least a week (hopefully Chase could eat an obscene amount when he wanted to). They walked side by side, grabbing things and putting them in the cart, Nico consulting her list. It all felt dangerously domestic, but Karolina told herself it would get easier. 

It had to get easier. 

When they got back, everyone was just waking up and Karolina made pancakes. Molly told them all jokes as she piled her stack high and with an absurd amount of syrup. Nico smiled and the rest of them laughed, and Karolina was optimistic. The five of them in the Blue House could work, they could make this work. 

They decided, after pancakes, it was probably good that they developed a kind of routine; over the next week they started to hit their stride. Gert and Karolina would go to all of the meetings with lawyers and detectives, while Chase and Nico healed, and they would bring home anything that they needed to sign. Chase would be getting his cast off soon, and Nico would be off antibiotics in a few days.

They didn’t have to worry about money, the house didn’t have a mortgage, and Karolina had there trust fund, so the hospital bills and the like went paid without much ado. 

They would take turns cooking, and cleaning up (Gert was all over making a chore wheel). Karolina made breakfast, it was leftover from cooking with her dad, on mornings after church; she made waffles, pancakes, eggs and bacon, even cinnamon rolls and fresh orange juice. Karolina didn’t seem to be able to sleep past five in the morning, so breakfast was usually finished and on the table, while the rest blearily came down the stairs. 

Gert and Molly took over dinner, real arguing bitterly (but without any real animosity), and they cooked tacos, pasta, casseroles and the like. Chase was pretty useless in the kitchen, despite Gert’s urgings that he would have to learn to cook to dismantle gender roles and thereby the patriarchy, so he mostly chopped things up and did as the rest of them asked. Nico, well, Nico would pitch in whenever asked. 

The truth was, Nico would do things, if she was asked, but if she wasn’t she would sit down and stare, sometimes at the ocean or mountains, sometimes just the wall. The team tried to keep her busy. Karolina would ask her to walk with her down the beach, and help bake cookies (Karolina had already baked a dozen batches in a week). She would play Uno! or Trivial Persuit, it Molly asked, and Chase and her started watching The Office, a couple episodes at a time. 

Karolina tried to tell herself that is was normal, that Nico went through so much trauma and she was just healing at her own pace, but she was scaring her too. She tried to tell herself that everyone was coping the best they can and were doing better, but she wasn’t sure. 

Karolina, knew that how much she was cleaning, and the near pathological need to be busy, whether it was going over tax forms with the lawyers, or grocery shopping, probably wasn’t the healthiest, but she had her heart broken a million different ways. Karolina still couldn’t bring herself to sleep in her parents bedroom and, had been sleeping in the living room. Everyone’s sleep patterns were a bit odd, too. Yesterday, when Karolina woke up on the couch at three in the morning, Gert was in the kitchen, ten feet away, washing dishes. Molly was still taking naps during odd times and places, and Chase was a bit jumpy. 

It wasn’t perfect by any means but they were all eating, Chase and Nico were taking the medicine that they were prescribed, and they had a safe place to stay. It could be worse, they were dealing; it was nothing a little R&R couldn’t fix. 

Gert, of course, disagreed. 

“We all clearly have PTSD-” Gert announced, at breakfast, a week after they had arrived at the Blue House.

“Gert maybe this is not the time,” Chase interrupted, throwing a furtive look at Nico who was glowering, her dark circles almost as dark as her eyeliner. 

“No,” Gert interrupted right back. “ I haven’t slept in three days, Molly can’t stop sleeping, we all know Karolina is sleeping down here and obsessively cleaning and baking, Chase you jump every time the oven timer goes off which is not great since Karolina won’t stop baking, and Nico-”

Gert stopped talking.

“Your scaring the shit out of me.” Gert said, her voice low,“We have to go to therapy.”

“I don't have to deal with this.” Nico stood up, walking toward the double doors. Karolina could see through the glass that she was still on the porch arms crossed and staring on the deck.

Karolina stared in disbelief, it was the most emotion she had displayed since her ultimatum. Was that a good sign, that she was less numb? Despite everything that she had been telling herself, she knew that Nico needed help, that they all needed help. There was only so much not being in danger could do. 

“I’m not going to therapy.” Karolina said. “If Nico doesn't.”

Gert threw up her arms in exasperation, and stomped outside muttering to herself. Molly, Chase and Karolina sat in silence, avoiding eye contact, while the two of them talked outside. 

Gert walked back inside with Nico trailing behind. 

It was decided, they were all going to therapy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was decided that they would go see a private practice, with three therapists in Santa Marina, the small beach town on the edge of the Blue Houses acreage. It was close enough to walk to, or bike to, but they decide they would all go together, lest someone skip out on their appointment. They had appointments twice a week (Gert wanted to go every other day, but Chase put his foot down, much to everyone's surprise), Mondays and Thursdays. 

Molly met with Dr. Winchester at two. Gert with Dr. Monroe at one, and Chase with him at two. Nico and Karolina saw Dr. Mendez, at two and three respectively. 

They met at the bookstore coffee shop after. They drove home. Karolina liked the ritual of it all, especially going to Santa Marina together. No one looked at them, when they shared a table sipping coffee, or walking down the street looking in shop windows. It made her feel normal, like before Pride, before everything. 

The appointments themselves were… helpful. Karolina of course didn’t know what was going on in everyone else's sessions, but Gert was sleeping again, and Molly was sleeping less- Karolina had even seen her start to go swimming in the ocean during the mornings. Gert told her that she was utilizing some affirmations, and she had even caught Chase meditating. Nico started to go on walks by herself, without anyone asking. She bought some books and started reading them next to the fire pit on the porch. Karolina hadn’t caught her staring into space since the sessions had started. They even started talking for real again, Nico and Karolina, not about what happened, about Alex or there parents, but it was nice. 

Karolina knew that the appointments were helping her too, she felt less anxious, and didn’t feel like she had to be busy every moment. It didn’t mean that it wasn’t hard, talking about everything. 

Karolina sobbed through her first appointment. And through her second, and most of the third. 

Dr. Mendez was nice, she was older, and always wore her long dark hair in a bun at the back of her head, and wore necklaces with multicolored beads, like Karolina's freshman homeroom teacher. 

“I feel guilty.” Karolina played with the edge of the tissue box on her lap. 

“Why?” Dr. Mendez tapped her pen, on the edge of her chair. 

“Because my Dad died, and I miss him and it still hurts so much. I am even sad about Alex, but… Aren't there people who have been through worse.” Karolina looked down. “There are people who have it so much worse than I do.” 

“You had a terrible thing happen to you,” Dr. Mendez said gently. “You had many terrible things happen to you. You are allowed to feel that pain.”

“But other people-”

“Everyone, at some point, tells me ‘but someone has it worse’, and they are right. Someone does have it worse. Would you tell one of your friends ‘but someone has it worse’?”

“Of course not.”

“Then why do you say it to yourself.”

“I don’t know.” Karolina said quietly.

“Yes,” Dr. Mendez said, “You do, but that’s alright. We will work on it.”

“Ok.”

“How are you doing, with your feelings for Nico?”

Sometimes, she would see Nico doing something completely ordinary, maybe she reading next to Chase on the couch, washing dishes with Gert, or playing Uno! with Molly, and she would just stop what she was doing and stare. If Nico noticed, she didn’t say anything. Nico was starting to look healthier, like she was gaining weight, the dark circles under her eyes less apparent. She was always beautiful, Nico in pain and without it, and Karolina just wanted. The worst is when she couldn’t fall asleep, still on the couch downstairs after everyone goes up, she thinks about the kiss. How Nico tasted, how Nico felt. Her mind cycling through possibilities of how that night could have ended. Sweet touches or hands digging into skin ridding the thin line between pleasure and pain. There are thousands of ways a kiss like that could have gone.

She tried to pretend being her friend was good enough, but Karolina was in love with Nico, and she would never feel the same way.

“I am trying to get over her”

Karolina feared that wanting Nico was her constant, that she would never stop wanting more. 

“Do you want to get over her.” There was no judgement in her voice, but Karolina couldn’t meet Dr. Mendez’s eye. 

“No.” Karolina felt new tears slide down her cheek. “It’s the best thing I have ever felt, and the worst. But if I don’t get over it, I don’t think I will survive it.” 

“You can’t force yourself not to feel something,” Dr. Mendez said, “Nor should you. My homework for you is to take care of yourself. Start exercising again, eat healthy, put on a face mask, take a bath, whatever works. Don’t skip your mindfulness exercises, every morning and every night.”

“Ok.” Karolina breathed out. “I just don’t know how a face mask is going to help with me being in love with Nico or what the pride did or my dad...”

“It won’t. But it will make you feel better.” Dr. Mendez, “The trauma you went through is dehumanizing. You were battered, you need to heal, and you will only heal if you put the time in, if you put the work in.”

“Yah?”

“Yah.” Dr. Mendez nods, “And they are not wrong, time helps too.”

They ended the session soon after. Karolina paused in the doorway, and turned her head.

“Thanks Dr. Mendez.”

“Of course dear.” She smiled. “Hello Nico.”

Karolina, tried turning back into the room, wiping at her eyes, but knowing they still were puffy and red. 

“I was just waiting for Karolina.” Nico said, quickly. She had a book open on her lap, sitting in one of the arm chairs by her office door. 

“Yes.” Dr. Mendez smiled. 

“I will see you girls Monday.” 

“See you.”

“Why do you look so serious.” Karolina asked, cocking her head to the side. Nico was staring at her, and Karolina wanted to reach out, and rub away the lines of tension in between her brows. 

“Oh right.” Karolina, “You know me, I cry at Hallmark adds.”

“Right.” The lie hung in the air uncomfortably.

“Why don’t we go meet the others?”

“Yah.” 

The private practice was in a brick building, the offices on the second floor above a bakery, so when they walked down the stairs it smelled like rising sourdough. 

“How did your session go?” Karolina asked.

“Fine.” Nico said, not meeting her eye. “You?”

“Same.”

They walked in a comfortable silence across the street to Beans and Books, a bookstore with a coffee store on the second floor, that had a great view of the ocean. 

“What do you want?” Karolina asked, as they paused in front of the blackboard listing all the coffee drinks offered, and the pie of the day. 

“I can buy my own coffee-”

“Don’t worry about it.” Karolina interrupted, “Coffee?”

“To late in the day,” Nico acquiesced, “Tea. Peppermint?”

“You got it.” Karolina smiled, “Do you want pie, it’s apple today?”

“I’ll just eat a couple of bites of yours.”

“How do you know I was going to order pie?” 

“You always order pie.” 

“Shut up.” 

Nico smiled, she looked over her shoulder and waived, the others already had the biggest table with the best view. 

“I’ll order.” Karolina said, “grab me a chair?”

“You got it.” 

Karolina smiled in Nicos direction, as she walked away for a couple of seconds before she turned her attention back to the counter to order. 

“You too are a cute couple.” The barista said. She was smirking by the cash register. 

“Oh were not-” Karolina said, grasping for words.

“I am sorry, I didn’t mean to presume.”

“Oh no, it's fine.” Karolina sputtered, “ Nico is great if only I was so lucky.”

“Really.” The barista, leaned in with interest “Are you new around here?”

Her name was Penny, and they chatted as she warmed up the apple pie and made Karolina and Nico’s drinks. Penny was going to be a freshman and Cal Poly next fall, and she was working here to make money to buy textbooks, while she house sitted for an aunt. Penny was nice, and she had to admit, even if just to herself, it was sometimes a relief to talk to people who didn’t know her whole twisty, horrid history.

“Have a great day.” Penny called after her, while she carried the two mugs and the cups and the plate with apple pie to the table. It was a bit awkward and she sighed in victory when she deposited everything on the table without spilling.

“The apple pie is killer.” Chase said, as she sat down.

“He would know, he had like three slices-” Gert said.

“Two.” Chase said. 

“Like that’s better.” Gert teased. Molly had smiled when Karolina sat down, but then went back to her book, she must have picked it out downstairs, because she was using the receipt as a bookmark. 

“I had Penny give us an extra fork,” Karolina said to Nico.

“Penny?” Nico asked.

“Hey what’s that?” Gert said, suddenly grabbing the napkin, that was tucked under the apple pie. 

Karolina shrugged. 

“It’s a phone number.” Gert gasped. 

“Oh,” Karolina’s stomach dropped. “That must be Penny’s.”

“Penny?” Molly set aside her book.

“The barista, we were talking earlier-”

“Are you going to call her?”

“I don’t know.” Karolina said, she snuck a look at Nico, her face unreadable. 

“Gert, maybe drop it,” Chase said quietly.

“You should.” Nico said, “She seemed nice. She’s been on shift when we had coffee before.”

Karolina nodded numbly. Nico was just being a good friend, best friends wanted there best friends to call the pretty barista who left them there number. It felt like an ice pick was jammed in between her ribs. 

Gert took Chases advice and dropped it. The team started talking about what movie they wanted to watch later (Molly wanted to watch Bridesmaids, and Gert wanted to walk Do The Right Thing). Karolina slipped the napkin, and tried to look Nico in the eye, but she suddenly was very interested in the contents of her mug. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Karolina woke up at four the next morning. She decided the others could fend for themselves, she put out some fruit, cereal and milk and made a pot of coffee. She decided to take a blanket and a mug of coffee (two sugars) to watch the sunrise. She tried to do her mindfulness exercises, she really did, but she only got through three minutes of it until the dark thoughts or memories crept in. This morning, she just didn’t feel like fighting. 

Besides, the deck had her favorite view of the sunrise. 

“Your not going to call her are you.” Gert said, appearing next to her like an apparition.

“Jesus,” Karolina breathed out. “You scared me. You never wake up this early”

“I didn’t take Old Lace out last night, she gets antsy” Gert continued. “You didn’t answer my question.

“Penny?” Karolina asked.

“Who else?” Gert fired back. 

“I don’t know.” Karolina muttered, then she looked at Gert, and just felt too tired to lie, “No. I am not. It wouldn’t be fair to her.”

“Nico cares about you.” Gert said, her voice small, “You know that right?”

It was like the floodgates were opened. It felt different, somehow, Gert knowing as opposed to Dr. Mendez. Karolina couldn’t lie anymore. She had to lie to her parents about what she knew about Pride and about her feelings about her faith, and to everyone, even herself, about her sexuality. Now she was free, she should have been free, but she wasn’t.

“Yah.” Karolina said, trying to hold back the tears “But not like I care about her. I am in love with her.”

“Yah, I know.”

“Is it that obvious?”

“To be honest?” Gert asked, “Kind of. But just to me, I don’t think Chase and Molly know.”

Karolina nodded. She wasn’t really sure what to make of that. 

“Why don’t you go take Old Lace out,” Karolina said, “Then come sit with me?”

“Yah.” Gert said. “That sounds really nice.”

Karolina watched as Old Lace and Gert ran around the front yard, and then, once Old Lace went back into the ‘dinosaur house’ (which was coming along really nicely, thanks to all the additions Chase had been adding), she grabbed coffee, and the two of them sat and watched the pink disperse and the sunrise in the sky. 

They talked a bit, mostly about nothing, but Karolina felt like a weight had been lifted off of her chest. It was nice that Gert knew, even if it didn’t change anything. 

“You guys OK?” Molly asks, stepping onto the back porch, carrying her bowl of cap'n crunch. 

“Yah Molly.” Karolina smiled, and she didn’t feel like she was lying, “Were good. Hey Molly, are you going to go swimming this morning?”

“Yah.”

“Can I join you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> JUST LOVE EACH OTHER
> 
> also positive female friendships and self care for the win. 
> 
> Leave a comment bellow and let me know what y'all think :)


	4. i'll be good

When Amy had died, Nico’s parents had put her in therapy; she had skipped out on the first three sessions, and they hadn’t bothered to schedule anymore. 

And that was that. 

She had never thought she would ever let someone examine the contents of her brain, but Gert had convinced her by imploring that If she wanted the rest of the team to start doing better, she had to go too. One for all and all for one or some shit.

Gert had made ‘the rest of the team’ sound very much like ‘Karolina’. She could fault Gert for a lot of things, but she could be really perceptive if she wanted to be. 

“How have you been sleeping?” Doctor Mendez asked.

“Better.” Nico played with the fabric on the arm rest, “At least five hours a night for the last week.”

“That’s good.” Dr. Mendez smiled. “This is our seventh session, and do you remember how much you were sleeping during our first week?”

“An hour or two.” Nico mumbled. “Shouldn’t I be sleeping eight, though?

“Healing takes time, the trauma you have experienced is still fresh-”

“But it's been a month.” Nico interrupted. 

The first session Dr. Mendez said healing would be like trying to get something out of an ice block with a pick ax (Nico had wanted to sneak out the window, and never come back). She was right, healing was an uphill battle. The first ‘homework assignments’ had felt like climbing everest, even though to most they were devastatingly simple: go for a walk, read a book, watch a movie with the team and suggest which one they should watch. 

But slowly, so slowly it was getting easier.

Nico wished it could get easier faster. That fog that engulfed her that first week at the Blue House was always threatening to consume her; it felt like a battle to keep it at bay. The fog was complicated by the bouts of anxiety, like when she had to check that everyone was still alive as they slept (which happened twice more since the first night), and hopeless. 

Her feelings for Karolina, the love and want and guilt all wrapped up in the knowledge that Karolina was moving on, if she hadn’t moved on already, sometimes made her feel as if she was going to be sick. 

“I wish I could give you a date and time,” Dr. Mendez said softly, “When you will be fully healed and whole, but I can’t. Are you fully healed from Amy’s death? ”

“No.” The answer came out quick and in one breath.

“No,” Dr. Mendez said, “Did living your life get easier, day to day, as the time passed?”

“Yes.” It was true, mixing guilt with the grief. 

“I can see the cogs working in your head right now.” Dr. Mendez said, “You should not feel guilty for healing, ever. Amy would have wanted you to be happy.”

Nico nodded mechanically. 

“Ok.” said Dr. Mendez, “How are your dreams?”

“I still have nightmares,” Nico looked down, “Flashbacks, to Alex or my parents or Amy. Sometimes they are not. They are good dreams, um with her. With Karolina, and then she gets hurt or worse I-”

“You hurt Karolina.” Nico felt like her insides were being torn from her body just thinking about it.

“Yes.”

“Have you talked to Karolina about your dreams?” 

“God no.” Nico could hardly look at Dr. Mendez let alone- 

The dreams were sometimes PG sure. Sometimes they were holding hands and then things turn, but other times-

Let’s just say there hands were busy, doing other things. 

“Ok.” Dr. Mendez laughed, “You don’t have to. Talking to her, about how your feeling might help you both. You both have a shared experience and trauma. You obviously care for one another, just think about it, ok?”

“Ok.” Nico nodded. “There's something else, I mean. I wanted to talk-”

“Sure Nico. What is it?”

“My mom wants to meet.” Nico said, her voice hardly above a whisper, “At prison I mean. My dad hasn’t reached out but-”

“Do you want to meet with your mother?”

“No.” Nico said, tears pooling at the edges of her eyes, “I don’t know if that makes me a terrible person-”

“Of course it doesn’t.” Dr. Mendez said, “We have talked about this, even if you forgive your mother, does not mean that you think what she did was OK, or even that you want a relationship with her. You should meet with her, if it will help you heal, but don’t if you think it will only hurt.”

“But I don’t know, whether it’s going to help or hurt.” 

“Well there's the rub, isn’t it.” Dr. Mendez said. “There's the rub.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Nico stood, sand between toes, and she watched as Molly and Karolina swim beyond the break. Karolina wasn’t wearing her suppressor bracelet, so she glowed pink and blue and she was able to keep up with Molly, who was getting stronger and stronger, even without being scared or in danger. Even from here, ten or so feet from where the water met the shore, she could hear the shrieking laughter. 

They had been swimming every morning, for the last week and a half; Nico usually avoided watching them. At first it was because the thought of a riptide, dragging them out to sea filled her with anxiety; then she saw Molly throw Karolina out of the Ocean and onto the shore, and Karolina not land on the ground because she started flying. 

Now Nico avoided it, because she thought she got heart damage the first time she saw Karolina walk out of the surf in her one piece swimsuit. Today, she had no choice; Nico had something to ask Karolina, and if she didn’t ask soon, Nico knew she was going to lose her nerve. 

“Hey.” Chase came to stand next to her, “Are they still swimming.”

“Yah,” Nico said, with a wisp of a smile, “You can see Karolina if you look close.” 

“And Molly?”

Nicos cheeks grew red. 

“Yah of course.” Karolina muttered. “Karolina just, you know glows.” 

“Of course.” Chase said, “I know, I mean. Nevermind.” 

“What?” Nico turned her head to look at him.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Tell me.” 

“I know that Karolina didn’t call Penny,” Nico looked down, she didn’t know that. She assumed that Karolina had. The after last few sessions, Penny and Karolina talked more and more at the counter. Nico just assumed-

“How do you know?” Nico asked. 

“Karolina told Gert, Gert told Molly, Molly told me.”

“Wait,” Nico felt an itch of a smile at the corner of her lips, “Why didn’t Gert tell you, I thought you to were…”

“We are,” Chase said quickly, “But when I asked what was up between you and Karolina she said she couldn’t tell me because of ‘Girl Code’.”

“Yah?”

“Yah,” Chase nodded, “But Molly must have thought she told me, because she mentioned it the other day.”

“So Molly knows,” Nico said. 

“I don’t think she know about the rest of it though,” Chase said quietly. 

“What are you talking about,” Nico kicked some of the sand by her feet.

“I was looking at you, when Gert found Penny’s number. For a second, you looked devastated.”

“I did.” Nico swallowed, her mouth suddenly feeling very dry. 

“Don’t worry,” Chase said, “No one noticed. I don’t know anything else, about the particulars of you both. I think Gert might know more, but…”

“Girl Code.” Nico surmised. 

“Yep.”

“I think `Girl Code` is going to fuck you over as long as you live in this house.”

“Probably,” Chase laughed, “I don’t really care to much though.” 

They stood in silence for a minute, while Nico regarded Chase. She really did like Chase, even though he-

“Yah,” Nico nodded, “Stop kissing lesbians by the way. It’s bad form.”

It was Chases turn to become beet red. 

“I didn’t mean- That was-” Chase sputtered, “Gert sent me out to ask if you wanted any coffee, she’s making a fresh pot.”

“I’m good thanks.” Nico said, she called after Chase who was walking away, “I am just fucking with you.”

Chase turned back to look at Nico. 

“I’m happy for you and Gert.” 

“Thanks.” Chase smiled, “I don’t think Karolina would mind if you started kissing lesbians. Just a thought.”

Chase disappeared through the sliding doors before Nico could respond.

“What were you two talking about?” Molly shouts, bounding out of the ocean, Waves breaking against her back, which she ignored like it was the spray of a hose. 

“Nothing Molly,” Nico smiled, “He just wanted to know if I wanted Coffee.”

“Cool,” Molly smiled, all teeth, “Karolina put the cinnamon rolls in before we went out. They should be perfect right now.”

“Save me one?” Nico asked. “I need to ask Karolina something. Is she coming in soon.”

“I think so,” Molly's smile turned knowing, and Nico was beginning to think that both sisters knew more about Nico and Karolina's- whatever it was- then they were letting on.

Molly bounded up to the deck, grabbing a towel, before she disappeared inside.

Nico turned her head back to the surf, and Karolina was walking out, glowing pink and purple like a neon watercolor. Nico tried not to stare, and instead turned to the deck, grabbing a towel, and Karolina's suppressor bracelet. 

“Hey Nico,” Karolina beamed. Nico wordlessly handed her both, and then averted her eyes.

“Hey.” When Nico ventured a look at Karolina she had put on the suppressor bracelet, thankfully, but instead of covering her body with a towel she had started drying her hair, leaving her long legs, and other- assets- fully in view. Assets soaked in water. Assets with a summer tan. 

Because of fucking course. 

“You Ok?” Karolina asked, concern creeping into her voice. 

“Of course.” Nico said, shaking her head, remembering why she was here (despite her red cheeks and kick drum heartbeat), “Can I ask for a favor.”

“Anything.” Karolina said, her face dead serious. 

“Can I borrow your car?” Nico asked, “I need to.. Run an errand.” 

She finished lamely. 

“Yah,” Karolina nodded, “Whatever you need. Can I just ask…”

Nicos heart skipped a beat. 

“Nevermind.” Karolina said. “The keys are in the bowl by the front door. I need to go meet with the lawyers tomorrow morning, but otherwise…”

Karolina trailed off. 

Karolina finally turned, finally wrapping towel completely around her body, heading for the door. She turned her head to look back at Nico. 

“Just,” Karolina looked like she struggling to find her words. “Should I be saying good luck or have fun?”

“Good luck.” Nico said automatically.

“Ok.” Karolina smiled, a sad half smile, “Good luck.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nico hadn’t driven a car in almost two months. She had only had her license for a few weeks before, everything happened. Amy, right after she got her license, used to let Nico (illegally) drive in near empty grocery store parking lots, while she sat in the passenger seats. Amy used to laugh and laugh, because Nico refused to drive over five miles per hour. 

Nico parked her car glad that no one was around to watch how long it took her to parallel park.

She grabbed her messenger bag, and started to walk down the sidewalk, not thinking as she walked through the gates, and as she twisted and turned through the rows. She may not have visited here in almost six months but for a year came almost every day, taking the bus or walking after school. 

Nico stopped, grabbing the flowers only slightly rumpled out of her bag. 

“Hey, Amy” Nico touches the head stone, as she sat down. “Sorry I haven’t visited in a while. Trust me, you’ll understand when I tell you.” 

She placed the flowers in front; gerber daisys, bright red- Amy’s favorite. 

Once Nico started talking, she found it hard to stop. She talked about their parents, and what they did with Pride, and how it had lead to Amy’s death. She talked about the team, and how they had changed from the kids her sister had known. She talked about her relationship with Alex, how she thought she loved him, and how blindsided she was by her childhood crushes betrayal. She talked about her broken ribs, and punctured lungs. She talked about learning how to use the Staff of One, and how she hadn’t touched it since the battle in downtown LA, how she was scared that if she did, she would turn into their mother. 

She talked through tears, and she laughed, and she didn’t say anything at all, instead leaning against the slab of marble, and tried to imagine how Amy used to smell, how her hair used to feel, how it felt to be hugged by her. 

Before she left, she whispered to Amy. 

“I am in love with Karolina, she’s not like the girl you remember. We got her wrong, we both did. She’s not some goody two shoes, or church girl. We got really close. She’s my best friend, and I think I keep hurting her, even when I don’t want to. I should want her to be happy, but I don’t want her to be happy with anyone else. I wish you were here, you would know what I should do. You always did.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the time Nico drove back to the Blue House (Nico was startled, that she almost thought to herself, that she was driving home), the sun was setting. It was almost nine, by the time she pulled in behind the house. She quietly unlocked the door and walked inside. 

Karolina was sitting by herself on the couch, a book in her lap and in her pajamas, a tank top and shorts. She looked up at the sound of the door opening. 

Nico brushed away the thought that, maybe, Karolina was waiting up for her. 

“Hey,” Karolina said, her head tilting to the side, “Your… errand go ok?”

“Yah,” Nico deposited her messenger bag in front of the door, “What are you reading?” 

“Gert lent it to me. It’s called “Half the Sky”, she told me I am woefully uninformed.”

“Is that right?” Nico smiled, and sat next to Karolina on the couch. 

“Yep,” Karolina nodded in mock seriousness, “Just because I am lesbian doesn’t mean I can’t be a white feminist.”

“Good to know.” Nico laughed. Karolina smiled.

“Can I tell you something?” Karolina asked, her face serious, for real. 

“Of course.”

“I have been avoiding doing my homework for therapy.” Karolina said it like she had stolen the hope diamond. 

“Karolina,” Nico said, fighting off a smile, “You are the one who tells us that “doing the work of therapy” is so important.”

“I know.” Karolina winced. “It’s just…”

“Just what?” Nico prompted. 

“It’s really hard.” Karolina whined. 

“I know.” Nico didn’t bother fighting the smile, “What is your homework anyway?”

Karolina looked down guiltily.

“I am supposed to start sleeping upstairs.” Karolina muttered. “Apparently I am punishing myself, by sleeping on the couch. Dr. Mendez, thinks it will help me sleep longer and without….”

“Nightmares.”

The two of them hadn’t talked about it much, but the whole team had them after the battle, after Pride. All things considered, it probably would have been strange if they didn’t have any. 

“Yah.” Karolina looked up. “I want to, I just… I don’t know if I can sleep in there room. My parents I mean.”

“Take my room” Nico said suddenly, before her idea had even fully formed in her brain. “I’ll sleep in your parents room for the time being. Maybe in a few days we can switch back. Baby steps you know?”

Karolina nodded rapidly. 

“You sure?” She asked earnestly. Nico still didn’t get that. Karolina acted like the team, even Nico, were put out by helping her. Nico knew that everyone would walk to the ends of the earth for everyone else, and Karolina would do the same for them.

“Yes.” Nico said, despite her better judgment, she reached out to touch Karolina’s arm, “I am sure.”

Even those few seconds of contact felt like touching a live wire. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Trying to get ready for bed in Karolina’s parents bedroom really was fucking weird. 

No one besides Karolina went in here. Karolina didn’t even sleep here (obviously, looking at Nicos present predicament) but she did use the adjoining bathroom to shower and get ready in the morning. It was a good thing to, there was only two other bathrooms in the Blue House, and the rest of the team had to share the only other shower in the house, in the upstairs bathroom. Molly and Gert were fine, but Chase took an annoyingly long time doing his hair. 

Who knew. 

Nico had grabbed a sleep shirt, that hit her mid thighs, and wore it over underwear, without wearing anything else. It shouldn’t have been weird, that’s what she wore to sleep most nights, but in this room, it felt like she was going to school in her underwear. Nico tried to pushback the awkward feelings, and remember she was doing this for Karolina. Worse comes to worse she could go and sleep on the couch, and really complete the cycle of dysfunction. 

Wouldn’t Dr. Mendez be proud. 

Just as she started tucking herself into the way to big for one person bed, she heard a quiet, unsure knock on the door. Nico got out of bed, and dragging the hem of her shirt more securely around her thighs. When she opened the door she found Karolina, her face tearstained and eyes puffy. 

Nico immediately reached out her hands up to Karolina's shoulders, as though checking for damage. 

“Or you Ok?” Nico asked, “What happened.”

“I think I had a panic attack.” Karolina breathed out. “I don’t know why… I just… I don’t think I can…”

“Do you want to sleep on the couch?” Nico asked, “Dr. Mendez would understand.” 

“No I…” Karolina's voice was so small. “I don’t think I can fall asleep alone.”

Nico’s head raced, and she told herself over and over again, what she was planning to suggest was a really, truly bad idea. 

“Do you want to sleep with me,” Nico cringed at the innuendo. “I mean-”

“Yes.” Karolina breathed out. 

Well fuck.


	5. gravel to tempo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BED SHARING  
> ANGST

“I am sorry about this.” Karolina muttered. Nico was awkwardly standing by the other side of the bed, fussing with a pillow and avoiding Karolina’s eye. 

“Don’t worry about it.” Nico said, “We shared a bed when we used to have sleepovers right?”

Yah, and most of those sleepovers had been when Karolina was in the closet and half in love with Nico; she had been so worried that she was going to molest the object of her affection in her sleep that she spent most of those nights staring up at the ceiling. 

Why was she doing this again?

She didn’t really have to ask, she wasn’t going to forget her panic attack anytime soon. At least Karolina thought that was what it was. As soon as she sat on Nico’s bed, thoughts crashed down on her like all the contents of a flatbed truck. Memories of her mother, both sweet and sour in her Church robes and of her father teaching her to waltz with her balanced on his toes as she giggled and he swung her around the kitchen. The team fighting over mission plans and the remote. Gerts laugh, and her hand reaching for Chases under the kitchen table like the rest of them wouldn’t notice. Chase tinkering on a machine that Karolina wasn’t sure the purpose of was. Molly laughing, splashing salt water into her face, it stung her eyes but Karolina couldn’t stop laughing. Alex was there, too, swirling around; Alex adjusting his glasses, Alex kissing Nico goodbye, the look on his face when we realized what he did, him mouthing sorry.

Nico was there, because of course she was, Karolina spent an embarrassing amount of time thinking about her; Nico kissing her, and Nico on the stairs saying “your my best friend”. It was a picture perfect rendering, not the hazy Nico that sometimes visited her in her dreams when they did things she had only ever thought about. This Nico seemed so real, her hair choppy, her skin smelling like baby powder. Nico after her sister died, Nico in a hospital bed, Nico trying to save Alex, Nico devastated when she didn't. 

The memories, the act of remembering all at once, knocked the wind out of her. She wanted to quiet the noise but the noise just got louder and louder, until Karolina was petrified. 

Why was it Nicos room that triggered all that? Maybe it was because it looked so much like her old room in the Blue House, the one Molly was now living in. Maybe it was because it was Nicos room, and so many of her feelings, good and bad, are tethered to her. 

All she knew is that for what felt like hours, but probably was only ten or fifteen minutes, she couldn’t move. She had been, scared that she wouldn’t be able to breath.

When she was able to move, the tears slowing and breath coming back in big gusts to her lungs, all she could think of was-

Nico. 

Nico. 

Nico.

This wasn’t even about being in love with her, that was a constant everlasting thing, and Karolina was getting used to fighting it. The active act of trying to fall out of love. She could shove the love that Nico didn’t reciprocate into the back of her head for a night; right now she needed her best friend. 

For better or worse, that was what Nico was. Karolina’s best friend. 

So she bit the bullet; avoiding Nico’s gaze (which was easy enough to do, since she seemed just as unwilling to look at her), and she slipped into bed, pulling the covers around her. She stared at the ceiling as she heard Nico, slip into bed next to her, they were a foot away from each other, but it might as well have been a mile. 

“I haven’t listened to music since my dad dies.” Karolina is not sure why she said it. She felt Nico’s eyes turn towards her, she listens as Nico moves to her side to look at her. Karolina continued to stare at the ceiling.

“Yah?”

Karolina feels herself nod. 

“I mean, I have heard it playing at the coffee shop or whatever, but I used to always have the radio on.”

“I remember.” Karolina turns her head to look at Nico, who staring at her. Her expression isn’t pity, she’s just waiting, waiting for Karolina to tell her story. 

“I miss music,” Karolina said, turning to her side, to face Nico.

“Then why-”

“It reminds me of my dad.” Karolina said burying her head deeper in the pillow. “He was the one who always had music on. The first thing he would do when he got home or into the car was to turn on the radio.”

Nico nodded. 

“I’m sorry.” Nico said simply.

“Me too.” 

“I haven’t touched the Staff of One, since the battle.” Nico said, in one breath like if she didn’t say it fast she wasn’t going to say it at all.

“Why?” she asked automatically. 

“I think I am scared.” Nico said, her voice almost a whisper, “That maybe it's to powerful for me to control… That maybe that’s why my mom…”

“I am sorry but…” Karolina struggled to find her words, “I don’t think that's why your mom, did what she did.”

“I know.” Nico’s voice broke. “Doesn’t mean I’m not scared.” 

“I’m sorry.” Karolina echoed. 

“Me too.” Nico replied, with a wisp of a smile. 

Nico reached out, and tucked a loose lock of hair behind Karolina’s ear. Karolina’s breath hitched. 

“I hope this helps,” Nico whispered. “Not being alone.”

“Yah?”

“I think it's going to help me,” Nico offered. “I sometimes wake up and think it was you who died, not Alex.”

“Really?” 

Nico nodded.

Karolina didn’t care that both of them were crossing so many unnamed boundaries created for her own protection- she reached out and grabbed Nico’s hand and held it in hers. There fingers quickly were woven together in between there two bodies, which had inched closer and closer together. , Karolina had not felt closer to Nico since the hospital, sleeping by her bedside, even though they were still not touching except at the axis of hands meeting.

“I dream that he killed you.” Karolina closed her eyes, a tear falling. “Sometimes.”

Karolina felt lips, any softer she would have though she imagined it, place one kiss on the hand still holding Nico’s. 

“Maybe,” Nico started, her voice sounding rough and ragged on the edges, “I will use the Staff when it's the right time, and you will turn on the radio when its right. Did Dr. Mendez tell you healing is like taking a pick ax to a block of ice?”

Karolina let out a broken laugh and nodded. 

“Were doing our best.” Nico said fimly. “We will be ok. Ok?”

“Ok.” Karolina answered back, before she could talk herself out of it, she leaned forward, just a little bit, so that their foreheads touched, and so did their knees, and forearms. Usually when they so much as brushed bare skin to bare skin, Karolina would feel like she touched an electric fence, her heart beating too fast. Now it felt safe, warm, like nothing that came in the night could hurt her because Nico was safe and she could keep her that way. They weren’t holding each other, but they were together and Nico didn’t pull away. 

This was such a bad idea. Karolina should have been protecting her heart, instead she was handing it over, over and over again, to someone who didn’t feel the same. Tonight though, it felt like Nico was giving her heart over too. Maybe not in the same way, but maybe, just maybe, the two of them could keep each other safe until day break. 

That was the last thought she had before she fell asleep. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
When Karolina started to wake, the next morning, it was to a riot of feelings. The warmth of sun streaming through the cracks in the blinds. The cool air hitting bare legs. Best and worst of all, a sleeping Nico who seemed to be using her as a pillow. 

Fuck. 

Memories flooded back to her. The panic attack, and there late night conversation. She knows they had been touching when they fell asleep (she was the one who initiated- which Karolina had feeling was going to bite her in the ass, long term). Now, Nico was fully on Karolina’s side of the bed, one arm thrown over her stomach, her head in the crook where her shoulder and neck met, and most dangerously their legs were so tangled together, that if Nico moved her thigh up just right-

Karolina squeezed her eyes shut even more. 

Fuck. 

Before Karolina could decide what to do, she felt Nico stir. Karolina kept her eyes closed. Nico carefully extricate herself, including removing her leg that was wedged between her thighs ( where she now ached uncomfortably). Nico seemed to be slipping out of bed, but before she did, her hand touched Karolina's for a split second- so quickly she wasn’t sure if she had imagined it or not. Then Nico was out of the bed and she heard the bathroom door shut quietly, and the water turn on. 

Karolina bolted up, taking deep breaths in and out. The water turned off, and Nico quietly opened the bathroom door.

“Oh shit.” Nico said, leaning against the door frame, she had thrown on a pair of leggings, and Karolina tried not to be disappointed, “I didn’t wake you up did I?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Karolina forced herself to smile, “What time is it?”

Nico walked over to the bedside table, were her phone was. 

“8:17.” 

“Seriously?”

Nico smiled, sitting on the bed, on top of rumpled sheets. 

“Would be a weird thing to lie about.” 

“No that’s not-” Karolina tried to find her words “I wake up before 5 every morning since..” 

“So it did help.” Nico paused. “Me to, I think I slept eight hours, the most since…”

“Yah.” Karolina said softly. They sat for a second smiling. Karolina almost wanted to laugh, what a miraculous thing. A night of sleep, uninterrupted and free from nightmares. Who would have thought it would be such a gift. 

“I guess it did help.” Karolina smiled. She knew it would, she had to tamp down her giddiness and not reach out to touch Nico, now that they were here in the light of day, some intimacies were probably best left in the dark. 

“Want to go downstairs?” Nico said, “I really could use some coffee.” 

“Sounds perfect.” Karolina, slipped out of bed, and she walked down the hall and stairs, while Nico followed. When she was halfway down the stairs, and it was clear that the rest of the team was up. 

Molly, Chase and Gert were at the kitchen table, pancakes in front of them. 

“Good morning!” Gert was reading the paper, and only looking up briefly to smile before returning to her article. “There's pancakes, banana and blueberry, sitting on the counter if you want to heat them up-”

“Thanks Gert.” Karolina smiled but made a beeline for the coffee. “Nico do you want-”

“Yes.” Nico said before she could finish asking, Karolina smirked. Nico sat at the table next to Molly, stealing a strawberry from her plate.

“Sorry we didn’t wake you guys, for pancakes, I knocked on both of your doors when I realized that you weren’t down here-”

“I wasn’t in my room-”

“We must not have heard-”

Karolina and Nico both spoke at the same time and then stopped halfway through their sentences. 

Karolina’s back was still to the table, and she made herself busy, with grabbing mugs, and adding sugar and milk, praying that Gert could let this one go for once in her life-

“Wait.” Gert said, she could her the smirk in her voice, “Are you saying-”

“Gert.” Chase said, his voice low.

“You guys hooked up!” Karolina refused to meet Gert's gaze and wincing at the glee in her voice, she shot a look in Nicos direction- she was staring, determined, at the place mat in front of her. “I knew it! I so knew it.”

“Gert.” Karolina said weakly. 

“And you told me she didn’t feel the same way. I knew I was right!”

Karolina looked at Nico, again. She looked queasy, like the very idea of them together made her sick- 

Oh god, she knew she couldn’t survive being rejected a third time and now-

“Could you shut the fuck up for once in your life.” Karolina spit out. The room was quiet for a few seconds while everyone stared at Karolina in shock. 

“I’m going to go.” said Molly softly, nearly running out of the room, and up the stairs. 

“What is wrong with you?” Gert said indignantly, “You scared Molly-”

“Nothing.” Karolina said, her voice sounding almost calm to her own ears, despite how fast blood was rushing through her veins. “You are the one with something wrong.” 

Karolina stood up, avoiding looking at Nico and Chase who had yet to say anything. She barely remembering to grab her keys from the hook as she stormed out of the room, slamming the door as she went. 

Gert must not have taken the hint, because she followed Karolina out, standing on the front porch, just as she reached her car. 

“What’s wrong?”

“We didn’t hook up.” Karolina glared at Gert, not bothering to mask the disgust in her voice. “Because she doesn’t like me like that. Which I have fucking told you. I had a panic attack, I didn’t want to be alone.”

Realization flooded Gerts face. 

“ I thought you were my friend.” Karolina could hardly get out the words, she was so angry. 

“I am.” Gert said softly. 

“Yah, well if you are my friend you would mind your own goddamn business instead of ruining everything.”

“I didn’t mean-”

“Of course ‘you didn't mean’.” Karolina snarled, “You got the boy you love, and the girl I love is never going to feel the same way and you have to throw that in my face don’t you. You don’t get to say sorry. Oh wait, you haven’t even said sorry, because you don’t fucking care how I feel. I am never telling you anything important, ever again.”

Gert looked stricken. 

Karolina got in the car, turned on the engine, speeding out of the driveway, leaving Gert standing on the front porch looking almost as devastated as she felt.

Almost. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Karolina wasn’t sure where to go. She didn’t have her wallet and she was in a tank top and sleep shorts. Luckily one of Chase’s zip up sweatshirts was on the floor of the passenger seat, so that solved one of her problems. 

She couldn’t think about what just happened, when she thought she couldn’t breath. Karolina drove and drove, hardly thinking about what turns she was taking. Before she knew it, she was pulling into the parking lot of one of the state beaches, maybe an hour north of the Blue House. It was foggy here, the clouds in the air hanging low, and as she stepped out of the car, she wrapped Chases sweatshirt tighter around her body. 

It was then Karolina realized, she didn’t even have flip flops on. 

She walked from the parking lot to the sand carefully. When she reached the sand, she started walking. The beach was flat, and it stretched out in front of her for miles. 

She wanted her Dad. She wanted him to hug her, and tell her everything was going to be alright. She even wanted her Mom, whose smile was so warm when it was not accompanied by a critical eye. 

She wanted to keep walking, and never stop. To inch farther and farther away from the Blue House and everyone who lived there. At some point, without really realizing it she started running. Her lungs burned and legs ached as she reached a full on sprint, and she only stopped, nearly collapsing, when she couldn’t breath. A few older men, sitting in lawn chairs and fishing, looked at her concerned. One stood up as though to move to help, Karolina turned on her heel, walking back in the direction of her car, feeling utterly stupid. 

She didn’t want to go crawling back to the Blue House. She didn’t want Gert’s apologies, or Chases pity. She didn’t want Molly to be worried. She didn’t know how Nico felt, but if that look on her face, that disgust, was like taking a bullet-

Karolina knew she couldn’t runaway. 

Despite the teams moniker, and with that thought she almost smiled. 

Not quite. That was pretty much the only thought running through her head, by the time she reached the car. 

She couldn’t runaway. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Karolina pulled up to the house, she wasn’t sure what she expected, but it wasn’t Gert still waiting for her, head in a book, on the front porch. Karolina turned off the engine and stepped out the drivers side. She leaned against the side of her closed door. 

“Gert.” Karolina said, she meant it to to sound calm, but it just sounded cold, icy even. 

“Karolina, hey.” Gert walked over to where she standing by the car. “I just…”

Karolina waited, but Gert looked like she was waiting for her to fill in the gaps. 

Fuck that. 

“What do you want.” Karolina knew she shouldn’t be petty, but her entire being vibrated with annoyance. 

“I really didn’t know.” Gert said. “I am so sorry.” 

“I know that.” Karolina allowed, anger still beating like a drum in her veins, “But why freak out all over us either way.”

“I was excited. I wanted it to be true.” Gerts face was almost painfully earnest. “I wanted you to be happy.”

Gert walked up to where Karolina was standing, and leaned against the car, gingerly as well. 

"Is Molly alright?" Karolina asked. 

"She's mad at me," Gert said, "Not you. She's worried about you though." 

Karolina nodded. 

“What did Nico do,” Karolina whispered “After?”

“She wouldn’t talk to me, she was so angry-”

“Because even the idea of being with me revolted her,” Karolina said, almost to herself, “why couldn’t you just-”

“Is that what you think?” Gert asked in disbelief.

“You didn't see her face,” Karolina growled, “after you started running your mouth-”

“Yes I did,” Gert said, “She was upset because you were upset.”

“You don’t know what your talking about-”

“You don’t see it, but I do,” Gert said, Karolina opened her mouth to argue, but Gert kept talking, “Please just let me try to explain. Nico stares at you, when your not looking, when she thinks no one is looking. If your happy, she’s happy. If she’s happy your happy. You two watch each other, and you think about each others needs before your own. I know you don’t think that she cares, that she doesn’t love you like you love her, but I didn’t believe it when you told me and I don’t believe it now.”

“Gert.” Karolina whispered.

“She stares at you like your the sun.” Gert said, looking at her shoes. 

Karolina stared at Gert hard, she wasn’t sure if she believed what Gert was saying. What did it matter, even if she was right, if Nico was to scared to be with her. If Nico loved her, but wasn’t sure enough to risk being hurt to be with her, what good did that do, for anyone?

“I am trying so hard,” Karolina’s voice broke, “To fall out of love with her.”

“Maybe don’t try so hard.”

“You don’t understand-”

“I know.” Gert said, finally looking Karolina in the eye again, “But even if I’m wrong, fighting not the feel something is going to wear you down into a pulp. If Nico really doesn’t love you, like that, then your love her will fade away, eventually-”

“I don’t think-”

“You’ll meet someone,” Gert said, gesturing with her hands, “Or several someones, you’ll go to college. Even if it’s not the same, even if it’s not as intense.”

“Yah.” Karolina muttered.

She didn’t want anyone else. She wanted Nico. Maybe, one day that would change. Maybe, maybe Gert was right. 

“Just go easier on yourself.” Gert said. “Please.”

“Ok.” Karolina, wiped at her eyes, “I need to meet with the lawyers in an hour so-”

“I can do that-”

“But, you can’t drive.”

“That’s the reason someone invented Uber.” Gert said, laughing. 

“I know but-” 

“Just let me.” Gert said, “I am really sorry.”

“I know.” 

“We ok?” Gert said hopefully. 

“Yah Gert, were Ok.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The rest of the team fended for themselves, while Karolina, after quickly retrieved her wallet and changing spent the day alone. Really alone, for the first time it what seemed like years. She bought herself lunch, and a new book. She went to see Get Out and ordered a cherry icee and junior mints. She bought a new sundress that she didn’t need. She walked, around Santa Marina, really looking at the storefronts she had always just rushed past. She let time stretch in front of her, she didn’t think about how long anything was taking, she had nowhere she had to be. 

It didn’t make the swell of embarrassment, grief, and anger easier, per say, but she felt like maybe this was part of taking care of herself. Doing things, sometimes, that helped just her and not the team. 

When Karolina thought about it like that she realized all of her coping mechanisms were tied to the rest of the team. She baked and cooked for them, and made sure they got to therapy, and she met with lawyers and she did paperwork. She was so wrapped up in how her friends were healing that she didn’t consider how she was doing. 

She wasn’t sure how this realization fit in with everything else, the night with Nico, her panic attack, the fight and reconciliation with Gert. She wanted to know what it all meant, but she knew it was up to her to figure out what that was. 

Karolina decided, she was going to sleep in her parents old room tonight. She knew it was going to be harder, to sleep alone, but she could do it. 

It was late, by the time she got back to the Blue House it was quiet, almost eleven with everyone already returned to there rooms. 

Karolina opened up the door to her parents- her room, and tried not to be disappointed that it was empty. 

She got ready for bed quickly. She tried not to think about the night ahead, the nightmares that could be just around the corner. The light was off, and she was staring at the ceiling, when a sliver of light formed, and the door creaked open. 

“Hey.” Karolina sat up. 

“Hey.” She whispered back. 

“I can’t.” Nico said. “I don’t know if I can fall asleep, without you, anymore.”

It wasn’t ‘I love you’, but the two of them were tied together, and Karolina was tired of fighting it.

“Ok.” Karolina said, partly to Nico and partly to herself “Ok.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I hate it when Gert and Karolina fought- needed to happen though....
> 
> ALSO BED SHARING.... Y'all can pry that trope out of my cold dead hands. 
> 
> Thanks and I hope you enjoyed :)


	6. i got hella feelings for you (and idfc)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! 
> 
> BUT this is like twice as long as the rest of the chapters!!!
> 
> Thank you for all the kudos and the comments. They make my day, and also there is a good chance that I will add/change things based on comments. 
> 
> I am going to write some one shots in this AU, I have a few ideas, but leave a comment if you have any that you would like to see. 
> 
> Happy New Years, let's hope 2018 is not another garbage fire!

“So, I’m sleeping with Karolina.” Nico blurted out. 

Dr. Mendez raised an eyebrow, looking bemused and more than a little pleased (Nico had no idea were to even start with that; it is a lot to unpack if her fucking therapist shipped her with her best friend/ girl who she drunkenly kissed / amature superhero teammate). 

Nico blushed. 

“Not like that,” Nico bit her lip, “But in the same bed.”

“Ok.” Dr. Mendez nodded, but she was looking at Nico questioningly like she wasn’t sure of the significance. 

“Like not once, but a lot.” Nico prompted. She wasn’t exactly sure where she was going with this (maybe the whole shipping thing was still throwing her for a loop) 

“A lot.” Dr. Mendez repeated. Then she paused, as though she was waiting for Nico to elaborate. Nico scrunched her eyebrows together, that was the exact opposite of what she wanted; couldn’t Dr. Mendez, for once, just tell her what she thought, without making her come to the conclusion herself? Was this a good thing or a bad thing (shipping aside but mental health of the two participants forward)?

“Well,” Nico prompted, “Don’t you think that’s a bad idea?” 

Nico and Karolina had shared a bed every night since that first one (17 nights, but who was counting). After Nico had asked that first night it wasn’t something they talked about. It’s funny how quickly something can become of routine. Nobody dared to talk about it, not after Karolina and Gert’s screaming match; if they saw the two of them enter or exit the bedroom at the end of the hall everyone averted there eyes.   
Sometimes they talked as they got ready, taking turns in the bathroom, raising their voices as they talk through the door. Sometimes, Nico or Karolina will sneak up, doing everything at a muted volume, while the other slept. They always ended up on opposite sides of the bed when they fell asleep, a respectful distance apart- unlike the first night. Even from there opposite sides there was an odd intimacy of sleeping in the same bed. The noise of someone else’s breathing, evening out as the fell asleep. The sound of sheets rustling, as someone else got comfortable.

Nico could smell Karolina on their sheets, even when she wasn’t there. She may have (discretely) snooped through her things, trying to figure out what that scent was, fruit mixed with the smell of dried flowers. Nico had been expecting some high end, probably impossible to pronounce perfume, left over from the obscene wealth produced by the church. It wasn’t, it was just shampoo (not even imported French shampoo, but the kind you get at Target, completely and utterly ordinary). 

It should have ended there, the strange longing of being so close but so far away.

It was like Karolina was a magnet, and sleeping or waking she couldn’t stay away for long. The thing was, they always started the night apart, but they rarely stayed that way. Except the few mornings that Karolina woke up first, and left the bed before she could return to consciousness, Nico woke up, her arms full of teenage alien girl. 

Nico wanted to say that she always woke up in complete shock, that it was a total accident that she migrated towards Karolina throughout the night. Sometimes she was, genuinely, surprised. She would wake up and be curled up, half on top of Karolina, face full of blonde hair that smelled like dry flowers, feeling warm and tingly and way to much, way too fast. She would wake up, not sure why she had gravitated towards Karolina, or why Karolina gravitated towards her. She would wake up with an ache in the bottom of her stomach and between her legs, and she would let her wander to the land of maybes, where fantasy rules. She was so crazy attracted to Karolina, it was kind of hard to look at her. She was so attracted to her, it made her feel stupid. 

Karolina was literally stupid hot. 

Sometimes, though, she woke up in the middle of the night, pulse elevated from a too lifelike nightmare, and she reached out for Karolina on purpose. She would be only a foot away, but she would need them to be close to each other; it was like if they were not touching, skin on skin, she would never sleep again. Nico didn’t have nightmares as often as she did before they started sharing a bed, but when she did, she would look over at Karolina and tell her over and over again that she was fine, that she was safe, that she was here with her. It was so much easier to fall back asleep, then it had been before. 

Sometimes that was enough. 

But, sometimes she gave in and she curled up against Karolina’s back. 

(She was spooning ok, straight up spooning and Nico liked to be the big spoon.

Fucking deal with it. )

“Do you think it’s a bad idea?” Dr. Mendez asked. Nico had to suppress the urge to roll her eyes. Dr. Mendez was just repeating her question back to her now. 

“It’s probably not a great one.” She shrugged, and avoided her eyes; Nico knew that an attempts at nonchalance would come off as ingenuine, but she couldn’t help it. 

She didn’t know why it was so hard, to just be honest with how she felt. 

“Why?”

Why?

Because, Nico was in love with Karolina and she kept pushing her away. Over and over again. Everytime she pushed, she hurt Karolina more and more. 

This line she was walking was going to end up with Nico breaking Karolina’s heart, or Karolina falling out of love with Nico, leaving her crushed. 

This could be so easily solved, if she just told her- if she let Karolina know. But, she couldn’t, so she was stuck in quicksand, pulling her slowly and slowly down. 

That’s why. 

“I am in love with her.” Nico felt lightheaded, “I am pretty sure she is still in love with me.”

“But you won’t tell her.” Dr. Mendez knew her to well, it made Nico want to hide far, far away. 

“I want too.” Nico whispered. “But I’m scared.”

“Is it worth it?” Dr. Mendez leaned forward, “The pain you will cause to Karolina and yourself if you keep this to yourself?”

“No.” The realization hits Nico like a flood, so much so, it feels like minutes go by before she can speak again. When she can, all she manages is to mutter, “No,” once more. 

“Ok,” Dr. Mendez said patiently. “What are you going to do about it?

Nico knew what she had to do. It was two months coming, years coming if she was honest with herself, and she did want to be honest. She wanted to shout it from the rooftops, Karolina who was loyal and kind and glowed even when she had her suppressor bracelet on, even through the grief she shone, and made everyone’s life she touched better. 

Nico could feel the life she wanted at her fingertips, and if she was watching of her life she would be yelling at the screen right now. She wouldn’t feel what Nico felt all the time now, though. That crippling fear, that listlessness, which made doing things like going to therapy, or going for a walk, a success. Telling Karolina what she felt, and accepting that she might not feel the same would be one of the hardest things she ever did; sure she survived her parents betrayal, her sister and Alex’s death, but those just happened to her. 

It was easier to brace for a wave that was going to hit you no matter what you did, then voluntarily run into the waves. 

But wasn’t Karolina worth it? Karolina who would be dragged out by a riptide for Nico, over and over again. Even if she didn’t feel the same way anymore, Karolina deserved to know that she was loved, every minute, every day. 

Nico was in love with Karolina, and she wanted her to know that, no matter what the consequences were. 

“I have to tell her.” 

“Yah,” Dr. Mendez said. “You do.” 

Well fuck. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nico was in a daze, as she left Dr. Mendoza's office, so much so, she forgot that Karolina would be sitting in the waiting room, for her appointment at two. 

“Everything ok?” Karolina asked, worry obscuring her face. Nico wasn’t sure if she had cried (breakthroughs can do that), but she felt like she was hit by a bus so she probably didn’t look awesome. 

“Of course.” Nico plastered on a smile, “Therapy is supposed to be hard right?”

“Right.” Karolina looked like she only half believes her. 

“We are doing a movie tonight right?” Nico felt the strain her voice, and tried to put a smile on her face- it probably made it worse, to be honest. 

“Yes,” Karolina said, she was staring intensely at Nico, as though she could get into her head if she just looked hard enough, “Are you sure-”

“Whose turn is it to pick?” Nico interrupted, then clarified, “You know, for the movie tonight?”

“My turn?” Karolina said, it like it was a question. 

“Is it?” Nico teased, “What are you going to pick? Not something terrible like last time-”

“What are you talking about?” Karolina said with fake outrage and a smile, “It’s a classic!”

“How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days?” Nico laughed, “Really, I thought Gert was going to lose it.”

“Want a no a secret,” Karolina whispered conspiratorially.

Nicos heart skipped a beat. 

“What?”

“I hate How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, but Gert’s was not allowed another Veto, after I wanted to watch Clueless.” 

“You are an evil genius.” Nico said with awe in her voice. 

“Our parents will be sad to be dethroned.” Karolina cringed at her own words, “To soon?”

“Nah,” Nico shook her head, “It’s all good. Promise.” 

And it was. 

Was that progress?

“Dr. Mendez, is probably waiting for me-”

“Go,” Nico, felt like she was actively trying not to fidget, meaning she probably looked weirder than if she just fidgeted, “I am in a weird mood, sorry.”

“Are you-”

“I’m fine,” Nico said before Karolina could finish. “Is it ok, if I just meet you at coffee today? I kind of want to walk.”

“Of course.” Karolina smiled, she reached her hand out, as though to touch Nico’s shoulder, but then moved back, awkwardly. Her cheeks blushed (a really pretty color), and she retreated back into Dr. Mendez’s office. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nico didn’t go straight to coffee, even though the rest of the team would 99% likely be there already.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to hang out with them, or was avoiding them. Since the Gert/Karolina throwdown, things had gone (mostly) back to normal. Nico and Chase still watched The Office nearly every day (the whole Jim/Pam thing was getting to near ridiculous levels, they should just kiss already). 

Nico and Molly had never been really close, but they sat in silence together, that day when Karolina disappeared and she had felt it in her skin, like salt in a wound. She wasn’t sure why she felt that way, it wasn’t as if they spent every waking hour together, Karolina would be gone for hours dealing with detectives and lawyers, and Nico read for hours a day, not really noticing the comings and goings of people around her. 

It must have been the knowledge that Karolina was in pain and she couldn’t do anything about it, she couldn’t even sit with her in silence. Maybe that’s why, after Gert made herself scarce, talking in whispers with Chase in her (let’s be real, their) room, Nico knocked on Molly’s door. 

“Go away Gert.” Her voice sounded muffled. 

“It’s Nico.”

Molly hadn’t responded, she only opened the door, she had obviously been crying.

“Alright?” Nico asked. 

Molly nodded. 

“Can I read in here?”

Molly nodded and then she retreated back to her bed. They had finally gotten some of their belongings a few days before. Molly was wearing one of her hats, the beanie with two eyes, and even though there was a cool breeze from the ocean, it was still 70 degrees. Molly nodded towards the armchair next to her bed. 

It became a habit, as Nico worked through 100 Years of Solitude, Molly read Cider House Rules. Sometimes they sat in Molly’s room, sometimes by the firepit on the porch. 

It was nice. 

Nico wasn’t avoiding Gert per say, but she was making an effort to talk to her either. Karolina didn’t seem mad at Gert at all, anymore. Nico didn’t get that, Karolina mentioned they talked but…

Nico had a hard time getting over the casual cruelty Gert’s carelessness caused, but for everyone else's sake she kept that notion to herself. 

So she didn’t go to Beans & Books first, but she wandered through downtown. Santa Marina was the kind of downtown, with five blocks and three stationary stores. It was a place cultivated for visiting not living in; still in the two months living at the Blue House, she still hadn’t visited the stores, prefering to sit with the team or peruse books after therapy. 

She wasn’t sure why be she stopped in a boutique, the kind with gag gifts, mixed in with clothes and jewelry and little pottery plates that you are supposed to use for spare coins, or some such. The store was empty besides the woman behind the counter, who gave her a brief smile and then returned her attention to her phone. She wandered the aisle, looking at things to precious for her own sensibilities. 

Something caught Nico’s eyes, it was a thin gold bracelet, a chain with a small light blue pendant. 

Karolina wore bracelets like that.

Nico prefered statement pieces, chokers and cuffs, jewelry with edge and weight to them. It was her shield, her uniform. Karolina covered herself in thin gold lines, small gold rings, skinny hoops the size of a dime, delicate gold chains around her neck. The only thing that didn’t fit was her suppressor bracelet, thick and stable on her wrist. 

Nico picked it up; it was so like the many pieces of jewelry that she had seen Karolina take off, the two of them in front of Jack and Jill (or Jill and Jill, fuck you heteronormativity) sinks. It was all dangerously domestic, as Nico took off her eye makeup, Karolina carefully hung up her necklaces on the branches of miniature tree, putting her earrings in a small black box, with a gold bow. 

Karolina had told her once, she liked the ritual of getting ready in the morning and before bed. It made her feel in control; Nico knew that it was one of the only way she consistently took care of herself. 

Nico wondered…

“That’s pretty!” A familiar voice floated from behind her, Nico almost jumped out of her skin. 

Nico turned and said “Hey Molly,” just as Molly winced and said “Sorry.”

“What are you up to?” Nico smiled. 

“Nothing.” Molly looked so broken, Nico tried to rack her brain as to why, “Sorry I will leave you alone.”

“Want to look with me?” Nico said, “We have disposable income now.”

Molly laughed at that, because it was true, but not really. With a combination of Karolina’s new superpower of doing paperwork, and Nico and Gert sitting behind her glaring while they talked to the detectives (Chase, as it turned out, baked even better cookies then Karolina, so he brought those in as friendly bribes; unsurprisingly his glasses were just not that scary) they were able to get some of their possessions back. 

It wasn’t much but it was more than the trunk full of backpacks they had brought to the Blue House seven weeks ago. Chase got some of his tools, and mechanical engineering textbooks. Molly got some pictures of her parents and Nico got her sisters diary and some photos of the two of them as kids. The rest didn’t get anything a meaningful, books and clothes and school textbooks. Nico didn’t miss the fact, that Karolina didn’t even look at the Church of Gibborim texts before she put them next to the rest still in the house, which had remained untouched. 

They all got some money too, but it wasn’t like Karolina’s trust fund (which she gathered was actually growing, in that way rich people’s bank accounts grew no matter how much they spent- stocks and investments and that shit). Gert and Molly got there Bat Mitzvah money, Nico got her sister and her college savings, and Chase got his life savings, that he quietly told the team, he had been saving for years, for when he finally was able to runaway. 

It wasn’t a lot, but it was nice to spend money that was actually her own, even though the thought of spending using money that was supposed to send Amy to college smarted. 

“Ok.” Molly said. “I like these kind of stores.”

They walked through the store, stopping to laugh at the mugs that said things like “70% chance there's wine in this mug”. Molly grabbed a Frida Kahlo paper doll for Gert; her birthday was in September, a couple weeks after school started. Nico shuddered despite herself; she was so not ready to back.

By the time they had made a almost a full circle of the store, Molly had looked over at Nico, and started to say something a half dozen times before Nico finally turned to her.

“Molly, do you have a question for me?” Molly shrugged, and kept her eyes on a row of barrets. 

“So are you going to go visit your Mom?” She asked. 

“I don’t know.” That was the honest answer. When she went to visit Amy’s grave, it wasn’t so she could decide if she was going to visit her mom. She had thought though, maybe it would have granted her some clarity, that she would know what to do about her mom.

It didn’t though. 

“You?” Nico regretted it as soon as it came out of her mouth. 

“They didn’t” Nico could see tears well in Molly’s eyes. 

“Molly…”

“They wanted to see Gert, but…” Molly turned away, and Nico could hardly hear the rest of her words, “I’m not there real daughter.”

“I am so sorry.” Nico was so angry, she wished she had the staff of one so she could burn down every prison there parents were staying in. Sometimes Nico would have moments of pure rage, where she would want to scream, and claw and inflict pain. This is one of those times. 

When were their parents going to stop inflicting pain? 

“They are garbage people.” Nico hissed. 

“Wow, bringing out the good insults.” Molly almost smiled. 

“I am serious, I am going to burn those mother fuckers-” Molly gestured for Nico to lower her voice, she looked over her shoulder- luckily the sales lady was still looking at her phone. 

“It’s alright,” Molly sighed. She looked so resigned, it made Nico even more mad, but she forced herself to dial it back to a simmer, “I’m fine. I talked through it at therapy.”

“Have you told anyone else about this?” Nico asked. 

“Gert knows,” Molly said, looking away, “I didn’t really want to talk about it with her though. Gert, suggested I talk to Karolina since we are going through the same thing-”

“Wait what?” Nico’s stomach dropped. 

Molly gave her a strange look.

“Karolina reached out to her mom,” Molly said, “But her mom told her she doesn’t want to see her.”

How did she not know about it?

“She didn’t tell you?” Molly looked surprised. 

Nico shook her head. 

“She probably just doesn’t want you to worry,” Molly said, “She never wants anyone to know, she only told me because it might help. Gert I think found out at one of the meetings for the lawyers-”

“Right.” 

“I only told you about the whole parent thing,” Molly looked like she was struggling to find her words, “Gert won’t see her parents, because they didn’t ask to see me. Chase won’t talk about his at all. If you go to see your Mom, I want you to know that’s ok.”

“Thank’s Molly.”

Molly turned her head to the side, as if to study Nico. 

“Were you looking at a gift for Karolina when I came in?”

“No.” It sounded false even to her own ears, “Yes.”

“The bracelet was really pretty.” Molly said, “I think she would really like it.”

“Yah?” Nico couldn’t meet her eye. 

“Yep!” Molly smiled, “I am going to pay for this, see you at coffee right?”

Nico nodded. 

Molly went up the the register (she had to say excuse me three times before the woman looked up from her phone). Nico circled back to the bracelet, gold chain, bright blue pendant. 

Before Molly was all the way through the door, she shouted back to Nico. 

“I totally ship you two by the way!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The rest of the day passed without much excitement. They drank coffee, Karolina drove them home. Nico had wanted a moment with Karolina alone since they got back to the Blue House, but she had, almost immediately ran up stairs to get her swimsuit so she and Molly could go swimming. After they had gone swimming, but before Nico could get a moment with her, she had thrown on clothes and helped Gert make Pad Thai. Then they watched How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days (which was worth it, as everyone watched Gert watch the movie- she turned the same color as her hair). 

Nico had to look away from Karolina, because she was scared that she was going to blurt out ‘I love you’ or ‘I know your mom didn’t want to see you’, and neither was going to go over great if they weren’t alone (or ever, as the case may be). 

It wasn’t until Karolina finally went up stairs to go to bed, that Nico had her chance. Nico was going to tell Karolina how she felt and give her the bracelet.

Not exactly the best plan, I mean what did Nico think was going to happen, “you said you loved me, and I don’t feel the same anymore, but its all good because you got me this cute bracelet?”

The really dumb thing was, Nico could have waited until Karolina was in the bedroom, but no, instead she just kind of stopped her as she went halfway down the hall and shoved a white cardboard box into her hands. 

Smooth. 

“Do you want this?” Nico tried to act nonchalant, but failed miserably “I saw it and I thought you might..”

“What?” Karolina asked, she opened the box and gasped. 

“This is gorgeous!” Karolina lifted the bracelet out of the box, “You didn’t have to-”

“I just thought-” Before she could finish, she noticed purple hair in one of the doorways. She was really wishing she had just waited until they were in the bedroom. 

“You have never gotten ME a gift-” Gert leaned against the doorway smirking. 

Nico’s face felt hotter than it had in recent memory.

“I didn’t-” Nico started, but then Karolina threw a withering look at Gert. 

“Don’t mind her.” Karolina returned her attention to Nico, beamed, it was like she was always glowing, even though her suppressor bracelet hung safe on her arm. “Thank you. I love it” 

“No big deal, I’m glad you like it.” Nico opened her mouth to say more, but remembered Gert, so she closed it again. 

“Seriously,” Gert, who as it turned out had been in her room with the door open and had heard all of that awkward conversation, came out to her doorway, looking at both girls incredulously. 

“Gert,” Karolina said warningly, still looking at her present.

“You two are ridiculous-” Gert laughed, but before she was done speaking, Nico glared at her so hard that Gert stopped mid laugh. She looked down guilty. 

Good.

Nico loved Gert like a sister, but really she could be so fucking dense (and then, strangely and obnoxiously perceptive). 

“Could you leave us, for a second.”

Sure, Gert looked serious now, as she scurried past them and down the stairs.

Nico took a deep breath, now was the time. 

“I wanted to talk to you about something-”

“Your birthday in three days,” Karolina smiled and it was like staring directly into the sun, she wanted to look away, “Don’t think I forgot-”

“I didn’t-”

“What do you want to do?” Karolina leaned in and Nico could smell dried lavender and citrus, and everything was better when she was there. She needed to tell her, she wanted to tell her-

“I-” Nico’s voice stopped.

“Well’ think about it ok, we are doing something whether you want to or not.” She was all faux serious. 

Nico nodded.

Karolina tilted her head to the side, studying Nico. 

“Sorry, I interrupted you earlier” Karolina apologized, “What were you going to tell me?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Nico smiled, and it reached her eyes because Karolina looked so excited for birthday plans, and a random gift, and the meeting with the lawyers going well-

“Good.” Karolina retreated back to the bedroom, raising the rings up to the light with a dreamy smile on her face. 

Nico forgot to breath. 

Well, thank God Gert didn’t see the rest of that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They got ready for bed without incident. Nico wasn’t sure what it meant, that all of this was becoming so routine. The fact that her heart beat actually mellowed when Karolina slipped into bed next to her. That her breathing evened out, when Karolina fell asleep and it made it so much easier to fall. They didn’t even talk much, small talk, a request to move to grab face wash, a quiet goodnight. 

Quiet, but the good kind. 

When Nico woke up, it was because of a scream. 

Karolina’s scream to be exact. 

“Karolina, what,” Nico sat up, trying to wake up when your body didn’t want to, like swimming in honey. “Are you.

Nico turned her head, and Karolina was still lying down, her eyes wide and rimmed in red. 

“Please,” Karolina was on the brink of hyperventilating. “I need- I need-”

“What, anything, anything!” Nico knew she should be staying calm, but she couldn’t stand to see Karolina in pain. The panic was spreading to her, and she could already feel her heart rate elevate. 

Karolina grabbed at Nico’s arms. Her breathing was evening out. 

“I’m ok.” She said, “I’m ok. It’s just a nightmare.”

She said it like she was convincing herself, her fingernails digging into Nico’s flesh, her eyes clenched shut. 

“You don’t have to be-” Nico started. 

“I just need a minute.” Karolina slid out of bed, and made a beeline to the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. 

Nico listened carefully, listening as the faucet turned on and off. She wanted to know what Karolina’s nightmare had been about, but more than anything, she wanted to erase her pain, to make it better, but she couldn’t. Not really. 

Nico leaned forward, her forearms resting on her thighs; she heard the door open and she looked up. The bathroom backlit her, so it was more like looking at a silhouette than looking at Karolina in her eternity. 

“Are you Ok?” Nico asked. Karolina turned off the bathroom light and the room was plunged in darkness yet again. She made her way back to the bed, and she slid under the covers. 

Nico waited. 

“Can we just pretend that we didn’t do this on purpose?” Her question came out in a rush. 

“I don’t understand-”

“Could you hold me,” Karolina whispered, “Please, just for-”

Before Karolina had finished speaking, had took her in her arms; Karolina wrapped around her, legs tangled together, her body lying half on top of hers, arms hugging desperately as if they could be closer, and her face resting in the crook of her neck. 

Karolina took a deep breath, and then out. Nico liked that she could feel as well as hear her breathing. Who needed sheep, she could fall asleep the the slight rise and fall of Karolina’s breath on her neck, the smell of spearmint toothpaste, lavender shampoo and Karolina, Karolina Karolina. 

“Thank you.” She whispered.

“You don’t have to thank me.” Nico whispered back, “Support your local girl gang right?”

She could feel Karolina smile. 

“I know.” Nico said.

“Know what?” She mumbled. 

“That your mom didn’t want to see you.” Nico sighed, “Is that why-”

“No.” Nico could feel Karolina shake her head against her neck. “It’s not.”

“I am sorry that she-” Nico always thought Karolina’s mom was a cold fish (saying something considering her own maternal figure), but she never thought she would not want to see Karolina. Who wouldn’t want to see Karolina?

“I’m not.” Karolina’s voice was a cold rasp, “I just wanted her to have to look me in the face. I wanted her to see what she did.”

“Alright.”

“Do you not believe me?” There was razor in her voice. 

“It’s not that.” Nico murmured, “It’s just, it would be ok if you wanted to see her. She is your mom-”

“She didn’t even give birth to me-”

“She’s still your mom.” Nico said, “For better or worse.”

“I know.” Karolina sighed. They left it at that, and Nico had almost fallen asleep when she heard Karolina speak again.

“I want you to know,” Karolina’s voice broke, “how wonderful you are, Nico.”

“You are extraordinary,” Nico replied, not even thinking for a second what she should say in response, “Fucking extraordinary.”

That was enough, for tonight, that was enough. They fell asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nico wanted to tell Karolina how she felt. So badly. Over the next two days she kept trying to get Karolina alone, trying to buck up the courage; when she tried she found all she just wanted to talk about was Nico’s birthday. 

Nico had to do a lot of talking down, as far as birthday plans go.

“You only turn eighteen once!” Karolina whined when Nico vetoed a party. Again. 

“You only turn anything once.” Nico rolled her eyes. 

They finally agreed on a ‘party’, the team and cupcakes and pizza ordered from Nico’s favorite place (Chase preferred Dimaggio's over Pizza My Heart, and he was wrong). 

Nico was less successful about gifts. Nico wanted no gifts, but Karolina pouted; she was pretty useless when she pouted. 

July 19th, Nico woke up to the smell of cinnamon rolls and fresh orange juice (Karolina revealed in the domestic). Besides the chorus of happy birthday, the rest of the day was, thankfully, low key. Chase and Nico watched The Office, and the whole team went for a hike on the property (including Old Lace, who would wander off the trail and then she would be sitting patiently for them a half mile down the trail). 

She managed not to think too much about how her birthdays used to look, or how much she missed Amy. Even when the team started singing happy birthday, she was able to grin and bare it. 

“Presents!” Karolina bounced away to grab the pile, that seemed to magically appear on the kitchen counter. 

“Oh my god.” Nico muttered, Gert smirked. She threw her a smile, not having the heart to be annoyed by it. 

“Mine first!” said Molly.

Nico tore at the paper, it was a book: Love in the Time of Cholera. 

“I saw you were almost 100 Years of Solitude,” Molly said sheepishly, “and you said it was good..”

“This is great, thank you.” Nico smiled, running her hands over the cover of a purple, almost black flower in bloom. 

“Me and Chase got you something,” Gert looked nervous; she handed Nico an envelope. 

“Dazzler Disco?” Nico asked, she wasn’t even sure how they new she loved them-

“You had a bunch of there CDs before,” Chase smiled, “Just before. 

“Two tickets it’s an eighteen and over show, so we figured-” Gert started. 

“- so you can take, you know, whoever.” Chase finished

“It’s amazing.” She couldn’t believe they remembered, “I have always wanted to go back to this venue.” 

“I got you something too.” Karolina said, pointing to the solitary last box. 

“You didn’t-” Nico felt a blush, “You organized everything.”

Nico ripped the paper of the last box, which turned out to be white cardboard, like you get for jewelry. 

“You got me a bracelet, so I thought…” Karolina trailed off. 

It was a black velvet ribbon, with a thick gold chain.

“It’s kind of like yours,” Karolina wasn’t meeting her eye, “but you know like you. You don’t have to wear it.”

“It’s amazing.” Nico smiled, “Really. Thanks for all my presents, it was an amazing birthday.”

To Nico’s surprise, she wasn’t lying. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After presents the team started the comforting routine of cleaning up. Molly and Gert washing and drying dishes. 

“I thought you might have wanted your cupcake.” Karolina was holding out the cupcake, with the blown out candle from before. 

“Thanks.” 

“You don’t have to wear the bracelet,” Karolina fidgeted, “Just so you know-”

“I love it,” Nico smiled, “Help me put it on.”

Karolina beamed, and Nico grabbed the bracelet from her pocket. 

There was a shock to her system, when Karolina’s fingers brushed against her wrist, fastening the clasp. She was in love with her, always, always, always. She wanted to say something, she could something if she just-

“I am going all out for your birthday,” Nico teased, feeling a sting of disappointment,“Just so you know.”

Karolina looked away. 

“What?” Nico’s eyes narrowed. “It’s right after Gert’s right, October 23rd?”

“It’s not my real birthday.” Karolina admitted. 

“What?” Nico didn’t understand.

“Frank told me before the battle in LA,” She shrugged, “I was born in June.”

“You mean your birthday was a month ago.” Nico felt something akin to rage stir up in her stomach. 

“More like 3 weeks.” Karolina laughed, “It’s not a big deal, I forgot to tell anyone honestly-”

“Seriously?” Nico realized, after the fact, she basically screamed at Karolina. She was so mad, and she couldn't articulate why. She turned on her heel, hopped off the porch, and started to stomp down the beach.

“Why are you mad at me?” She called after her. “What the fuck!”

“I am not doing this right now.” Nico yelled back over her shoulder. Karolina ran after her though.

She was not good at leaving things alone. 

“I was the one who decided I didn’t want to celebrate-” Karolina grabbed onto Nico’s arm to stop her from running; Nico stopped and turned to look at her, but she ripped her arm away from Karolina, “But insisted I have a party-”

“What did you not like the party-” She looked so confused. 

“It was not that and you fucking know it.” Now Karolina was angry. 

“No I don’t” Karolina screamed, “I have no idea what the fuck is going on right now.”

“You don’t care about yourself and I am fucking sick of it.” Nico screamed back, “It’s actually selfish to cut everyone out-”

“Your one to talk!” Karolina now had tears in her eyes, “You always push us all away.”

“I know I do,” Nico’s voice was resigned “This is about you though, I just don’t get it, everyone loves you, but you won’t let us.”

“Not everyone.” her voice was Karolina

“Karolina,” Nico reached out

“No,” She spit out, “Don’t fucking do that. I can’t go through this again, Fuck.”

“I love you.” The words come out long, this isn’t how she should be saying them.

“Bullshit,” Karolina started, “Not like I do, and you fucking-”

Nico was kissing Karolina, and it was the wrong time, for the wrong reason, but she couldn’t stop herself. It was like drinking tea with honey, warm starting from her lips, going down, down down- This wasn’t a rum soaked mistake, this was kissing the girl she loved. 

And Karolina tasted like chocolate frosting and hope, even as she felt the tears on both their cheeks. 

Her hands were on Karolina’s waist, and Karolina’s arms hung at her side, at first, but then brought there bodies closer, and she was on her toes, and Karolina was bending down.

She could feel every point of contact, even through her clothes, it burned, stomach against stomach, thighs against thighs. 

Even with Alex, she had always been thinking so much when she kissed, about tongue, and how she looked, but now she was just feeling. Feeling warmth everywhere, but especially between her legs. 

Where Karolina’s hands traveled was fire, from her hair to cup her face, down the length of Nico’s back. 

But then Karolina moved away, and Nico thought should would cry. 

“What the-” Karolina muttered as they broke apart. 

“I am in love with you, I have been,” Nico wasn’t sure what she was saying, but it was true, so true. “I think I might always be. I am sorry I kissed you without permission.”

Karolina was breathing heavily, her pupils huge. 

“I think I know a way you can make it up to me.”

This kiss was even better, then there first, or technically second. It was like neither of them could stop moving, closer, closer, closer-

Nico felt drunk and she was stone cold sober. She wanted more, more, more- 

Like if she molded her body tight enough to Karolina they wouldn’t have to break apart, they would stay like this forever, forever, forever-

Karolina pushed away, her chest rising and falling heavily, and distractingly, 

“I need you to know,” Karolina started, “That I love you too.”

Nico’s heart soared. 

“Cool.” She breathed out. 

Nico put her arms around Karolina’s shoulders and gets on her toes so they can kiss, again. Nico can hardly stop smiling so there lips can meet.

Nico could here the waves break behind her, feel the sand under her bare feet. She wondered if anything would feel as good as Karolina’s lips, the smooth warm skin. 

She didn’t see how it could. 

They only broke apart when it became impossible to breathe. 

“I always want,” Karolina gasped, “you. I always have loved you.” 

“You do?” Nico hated how vulnerable her voice was.

“Yes,” Nico’s voice was near a hiss, “I love you. I have loved you since before- just, I-”

“Fuck,” Karolina breathed out. “Me too. Me too-” 

They were kissing again, and she wasn’t sure who started it. 

Nico didn’t care. Not even a little bit. Not even at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THEY KISSED!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU'S!!!!!!!!! 
> 
> the next chapter probs won't be out for a week-sorry folks!
> 
> (but it's going to be so fucking fluffy omg)
> 
> Please comment with ideas for the Blue House AU one shots, or for the last (tear) chapter of this story. Also just let me know what you think!!!!


	7. to build a home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry y'all that I didn't post this before the season finale! I hope that this is worth the wait
> 
> Thank you for everyone who supported this story, it means more to me than I can possibly express.

When Karolina woke up, Nico was wrapped around her, their legs twined together, Nico’s arm thrown haphazardly over her stomach and her face pressed against the back of Karolina’s neck. For a split second, she got ready to move, to extricate herself like she had over and over again for weeks, (sometimes it was Nico who did the extricating, and it was so much worse waking up in that bed alone), but then she remembered she didn’t have to move at all. 

Karolina smiled into her pillow, and revealed in this feeling; the feeling of knowing she didn’t have to pretend anymore. She could lie here, and bask (freaking bask) in feeling warm, safe, in love and loved in return. 

She wouldn’t have believed it, if she had told her younger self, especially since Karolina had probably been in love with Nico her entire life, even if she hadn’t known it then. 

They had been so close, for so long, all of them. Gert, Nico, Amy and Karolina would race there bikes, with Molly trailing along, while Alex and Chase played video games inside. They would spend hours in the pool, Karolina’s hair turning faintly green (she and Chase were always sporting sunburns, with varying degrees of intensity, which the rest of their friends thought was hilarious). The girls would braid, and knot friendship bracelets, and trade them among　themselves (they would have to be cut off, a dozen at a time, after months of wear and tear). 

They grew up together, the seven of them. Always, a phone call and a bike ride away. 

They knew each other's secrets, the kind that seemed so important at eight, or ten or twelve, who had a crush, whose parents were not as they appeared (boy, had they not known the half of it), and who was struggling in school or at war with their parents or teachers. They held these secrets close, as though they knitted them together, unbreakable, (they were wrong, fatally, wrong).

Karolina and Nico had been close, they all were close, but Karolina could remember thinking, as young as nine, about how pretty Nico was, how she wanted to spend time with her, just the two of them. This was easy enough to dismiss, at first, after all, even at nine with her silver bracelet heavy on her wrist, she knew Church doctrine. She new it was selfish to want Nico to herself, that she should love all her friends equally, that she should go into the world with a smile, never taking what she wanted.

It’s what she did with the feelings for her favorite teacher Ms. Hughes, who had the whitest teeth and whose hair always smelled like coconut, or Karen, a friend from church camp who was a few years older, who would braid Karolina’s hair for her (she would pretend they came undone, when they hadn’t so she would braid them again). 

So she got used to pushing her feelings away; those thoughts of Nico just joined the rest. Far away, she would think to herself, and, eventually, it worked. They grew up, they got some distance, everyone gaining their own interest, their own identities.Even before Amy died, there were fractures in their friendships. That made it easier to dismiss feelings, to pretend that it was just appreciation of her friend, maybe even jealousy (after all Alex looked at her with poorly disguised longing, and no one had ever looked at Karolina like that). 

Karolina still remembered the night that had changed everything, where she knew, there was no going back. 

They had been fifteen; it was before Amy died or they found out about their parents. This was before Nico developed her look, (to be clear: she was beautiful then, she was beautiful now, she was beautiful always). They were all watching a movie, something with dragons, this in of itself, was not unusual. They still were getting together, semi-regularly, playing Catan or Cards Against Humanity, or watching a movie. 

This time, though, she found herself watching Nico and not the movie, her mind wandering to things much less PG, then what was occuring on screen.

Like, what kissing Nico would taste like. 

Like, what Nico looked like underneath her jeans and t-shirt. 

Like, what sound Nico would make if she bit the place where her jaw met her neck.

Like...

Her mouth had gone bone dry, her pulse raced, she couldn't move, she could hardly breathe. 

She told herself it was because Nico was beautiful, and she was just jealous, all the old standbys. None of it worked, she just wanted, deep in her bones and in her veins. It consumed her. 

She had excused herself, washing her face with cold water in the bathroom. She had felt so helpless, so out of control. 

Then Amy died, and they grew away from each other. There was a part of herself that was glad, not that Amy died, but that she could avoid Nico and what it felt to be with her; she hated that part of herself, even now. 

Karolina, tugged Nico’s arm a little tighter around her body, weaving her fingers through hers.

Someday, she would share this memory with Nico. Someday. 

Now she just wanted to remember Nico’s birthday, she wanted to wrap herself with that memory like a blanket. It was the kind of memory that would keep her safe, no matter what happens, no matter what they would have to overcome. 

Last night they had fought, but then…

Everything changed. 

When they wandered back, after spending a near ridiculous amount of time making out on the beach, (it was like being out of breath, but never having more air in her lungs, it was indescribable, but she could spend days trying to describe it). Everyone was anxiously waiting there return; three sets of eyes zeroed in on them as they tried (unsuccessfully) to sneak in from the back porch and Molly, Chase, and Gert start speaking at them, in a rapid fire pace. 

“We heard yelling!” Gert shouted at them, her eyes huge behind her glaces. 

“Are you guys Ok?” Molly asked, “Gert said I couldn’t follow you-”

“Guys maybe we should drop it,” Chase mutters, Karolina is confused, at first why he looks so mortified, and is a color resembling an eggplant. Then she remembers; she is holding Nico’s hand and Nico was wearing black lipstick (emphasis on was). 

“So you guys are?” Gert clearly wanted to ask, but from experience, was keeping her mouth (mostly) shut. 

Karolina smiled. 

“Yep.” Nico said, she wiped off some lipstick that was on Karolina’s lip, “and we are going to bed.”

They both giggled, and held hands as they ran up stairs, leaving behind a chorus of congratulations, questions, and shrieking (Karolina was pretty sure the shrieking belonged to Molly, but Chase seemed really excited for them). 

They still got changed apart, Nico in the bathroom, and Karolina in the bedroom, but the comfortable routine, was replaced by electricity; together, they could have lit up the entire Blue House.

Nico was wearing a sleep shirt, one of Karolina’s, that went down to her knee. Karolina was wearing shorts and a loose tank top, her hair in a braid. They brushed their teeth and washed their faces, next to each other, but they didn’t touch, they didn’t even talk. 

“I want,” Nico said slowly, as their sides of the bed, “to sleep with you, I mean not like, but literally-”

Karolina nodded rapidly.

Karolina grinned just remembering. She was warm, sun streaming through the curtains, and she was curled up with Nico, who she adored, who she loved. She didn’t even remember being so completely, utterly and uncomplicatedly happy. 

She had almost fell asleep once more when she heard Nico’s voice. 

“It’s like spooning a space heater,” Nico mumbled drowsily.

“Good morning to you too.” Karolina laughed. “I thought you liked being big spoon?”

“Don’t worry, I like it,” Nico sighed before she asked, “What time is it?” 

Karolina blindly reached out for her phone. 

8:45

“Shit I’m late,” Karolina muttered, she started to sit up, but Nico just pulled her down again (Karolina didn’t have the heart to fight it). 

“What are you doing?” Nico asked.

“I promised Molly,” Karolina drawled sleepily, “we would go swimming.”

“Do you have too?” Nico pleaded, nestling further into Karolina’s back.

“I can’t let Molly down.” Karolina scolded, “She already is stressed enough about the social worker visitation-”

“No, you are worried about that.”

Nico was right, but Karolina wasn’t willing to admit that, right this second.

“I have to get up!” 

“No.” Nico’s said petulantly, Karolina could picture the scowl that must be on her face, perfectly, “five more minutes.” 

“We both know,” Karolina hissed as Nico pulled her in tighter; God that felt good, “Five more minutes isn’t going to stay five minutes.” 

“True.” Nico kissed the back of Karolina’s neck once, twice and then three times; the feeling was a shock down her neck, down the length of her spine, warming the spot at the bottom of her stomach. “You can leave now.”

“You are still holding me,” Karolina rolled her eyes, but she could tell her voice was more than a little breathy. 

“I guess you can’t leave then,” Karolina could feel Nico smile against her. 

“Still holding me.”

“I guess you can’t leave, maybe ever I haven’t decided .” Karolina turned towards Nico, brushing hair that had fallen out of her bun, and into her eyes. There was a bit of eyeliner left under her right eye, a crease on her face from her pillow and grumpy look on her face. 

Nico was so gorgeous. 

“I love you.” Karolina, her face almost hurt from grinning, but then she paused, her veins filling with ice; she was terrified that maybe, just because they said it once didn’t mean they could say it again.

“I love you too.” Nico’s voice was so soft. Karolina didn’t think she would ever stop smiling. 

“I guess you can go swimming with Molly.” Nico mutters, exasperated, removing her arms from Karolina’s waist; she instantly missed them. 

“Oh, your giving permission, now?” She snarked. 

“Like you need permission to do anything-”

There was a loud knock at the door, and then the door opened. 

Molly was standing at the doorway, already in her swimsuit, with a towel wrapped around her waist, goggles on her head, and one hand over her eyes. 

“You ready?” Molly asked. 

“What are you doing?” Nico laughed. 

“I just thought,” Molly said, her hand still over her eyes, “You guys are a couple now...” 

Karolina scoots a respectful distance away from Nico, and they both adjust their clothes to be a bit more modest (things shift when your sleeping, not that Karolina has noticed or secretly loved it) and they brought the white comforter to cover their legs. 

“All safe Molly.” Nico said. 

“Ok.” Molly removes her hand from her face, “Great, but umm..”

“I will be out in five minutes.” Karolina answered her unasked question. “Just need to change.”

“Great!” Molly bounds out the room, closing the door gently behind her. 

“So you have to go.” Nico said.

“Yep.” 

Karolina stretched her hands over her head and with more than a little regret slid out of bed. She grabbed her swimsuit from a pile of clean laundry, neatly stacked on a chair in the corner. 

When she walked out of the bathroom, in her lavender one piece, Nico didn’t even try to hide her gaze. It was like she could feel it, warm, traveling up the length of her legs. 

It was so strange, she had grown up trying to ignore men looking at her legs or chest. Starting when Karolina was much too young, people thought it was ok, to stare or try to touch because she ‘looked older’ or ‘looked like that’ (whatever that meant). At one point she even felt guilty for liking how she looked, this twisty turny rabbit hole, where women couldn't win. You couldn’t be conventionally attractive, you couldn’t not be. 

It had been such a relief, when Gert and Karolina had become friends again, and they worked through Gert’s issues with how she looked (and subsequently, how the world treated her as a result). They needed each other, and that bullshit was just obnoxious noise. It didn’t stop men from looking at Karolina, though. When they did it made her feel like a cow on the butchers block, like they were pursuing her parts, not looking at her as a person.

It didn’t feel invasive now, it just made her feel wanted (and more then a little warm in that place in the bottom of her stomach). 

“Your staring.” Karolina smirked, and blushed; she was human ok? Well, it was a figure of speech.

“Yah,” Nico smirked back, from her spot on the bed, “Try and stop me.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Karolina walked out of the surf, feeling that endorphin high and bone tiredness of trying to keep up with Molly, when she spotted Nico on the porch with two mugs of coffee and a towel. Nico had changed into a black dress, her hair and makeup done, but she was still barefoot, which was oddly sexy (it might just be that Karolina thought Nico was sexy, so everything she did was by default-)

When Nico spotted Karolina she waved. 

Is this what having a girlfriend was like? If so, she could get used to this.

Molly passed her, in a half run, shaking the salt water out of her long curly ponytail. 

“That was fun, thanks,” Molly shouted as she passed

“You don’t have to thank me!” Karolina replied. 

Karolina saw Molly say “hey” to Nico, before she ran inside. 

“Hey babe.” Nico passed her the towel, and then the coffee, once she had dried off a bit, and wrapped it around her body. Karolina tried not to preen at the pet name, she didn’t want to embarrass Nico, who didn’t seem to notice she said anything unusual.

They sat on two of the chairs, and sipped coffee. Karolina shivered, not only because of the morning breeze, salty and cutting against her bare skin, but because the sudden realization that Nico and her had not labeled themselves. They said I love you, they had kissed, Nico called her babe (probably accidently or instinctively) but did that mean-

“Are you my girlfriend?” Karolina winced at her own words even as they came out of her mouth. It sounded so uncool and unsexy, and not similar to that picture book ‘Are You My Mother?’.

Nico just laughed, she reached out to tuck a piece of hair, back in Karolina’s braid. 

“I think so.” She said her hand brushing against Karolina’s arm. 

“Why wouldn’t we be?” Karolina was worried now, the possible meanings of ‘I think’, running through her mind at a rapid fire pace.

“Because it takes two people to decide,” Nico said, she looked like she was trying not to smile, “Remember?”

“Right, right.” Karolina said, taking a sip of her coffee trying to hide her embarrassment, avoiding Nico’s gaze. 

“I want to be your girlfriend,” Nico prompted.

“I want to be yours, too.” Karolina whispered. 

Nico leaned in a left a feather light kiss on her lips; Karolina could smell coffee, and peppermint and jasmine, and she wanted to swim in it. 

“Cool.” Nico said as she leaned back. 

“Cool.” Karolina echoed, wanting this moment to stretch out and surround them, for just a bit longer. 

“You guys going to come inside?” Molly stuck her head outside, her smile wide, “Gert made pancakes!” 

“We are coming in a second,” Nico turned her head. 

“I saved you two of the banana ones for you,” Nico told Karolina, and then she added, “Nico there are blueberry ones I made Gert make, too!”

“Thanks Molly.”

They headed back inside, and sat at the table, joining everyone else, who had already taken there place, digging into their own precariously stacked pancakes. 

When Karolina slid into her seat, Nico grabbed her hand that was resting on the table and squeezed it, briefly, but in front of the others. Karolina was floored, once more, remembering she didn’t have to hide, they didn’t have to hide. At least among　friends, Nico and Karolina together was the new normal.

What a great new normal it was. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
“Me and Nico are together.” Karolina said just as the door swung shut behind her. “Like romantically.” 

Dr. Mendez smiled, gestured for her to sit down.

It had been four days since the kiss, when they decided they were together, and Karolina had been itching to tell Dr. Mendez for nearly as long. 

Karolina was happy, so happy. She and Nico and the team had fallen into a new and infinitely less dysfunctional normal then before. It was like before, but she got to tell Nico she loved her, and kiss her; her friends accepted them and her.

She should feel overjoyed, and she was, but...

“I am so happy.” Karolina felt tears well up, she grabbed at the tissues on the coffee table in front of her. “Sorry I don’t know why...”

“This a big life change,” Dr. Mendez said, “Even if it is positive…”

“Which it is,” Karolina said quickly, “So positive, I mean. Nico makes me so happy-”

“That’s good.” Dr. Mendez waited. 

“It’s just that.” Karolina struggled to find her words. “I thought everything would be so much better now, and it is but…” 

Karolina took a deep breath. 

“It’s like my anxiety has just shifted. Now instead of fixating on Nico not loving me, I have dreams about Molly being taken away by social services, or something happening to the team, especially Nico. I know it’s stupid but I thought, If Nico loved me back…”

“Everything would change.” Dr. Mendez surmised. “Love is amazing, but you will still have to do the work in. It won’t solve everything, and besides, would you want to put that all on Nico.”

“No.” The last thing Karolina wanted was to make Nico feel overwhelmed, she didn’t want to lean so hard on Nico, that she threatened to break. She wanted them to build each other up, not tear each other apart. 

“No.” Dr. Mendez said, she paused, then spoke again, “Is there something else that is making you anxious about your new relationship?”

There was, but she didn’t think she could say it out loud. 

It was sex ok. 

Not that they were having it, or were even approaching it’s borders. 

But they kissed. 

A lot. 

Hands wandered, clothes started to be pulled up, t-shirts over stomachs, skirts showing more and more thigh. 

It was something she wanted, god she wanted it. Every new inch of skin revealed was a revelation. Every new sound Nico made, exploring a thousand different ways to kiss. 

She wanted Nico all the time, everywhere. What used to relegated to day dreams, were now never far from her mind. All Nico had to do was stand on her tiptoes to get a glass, revealing a sliver of her belly, or moan as she took a bite of a waffle, and her mind was spinning, again. 

Sometimes she laid awake, Nico lightly snoring and surrounding her, with what felt like molten lava between her legs running over what they did together over and over again (and what it could have led to).

There was a lot of baggage though; anxieties lurking around the corners.

The first time she had gone to a party, she had almost been raped, passed out when she saw her true self for the first time (and seeing to girls kiss had made all those latent feelings for Nico harder and harder to deny).

The church wasn’t exactly sex positive to begin with, (nor her mother, who had more than a few flower based virtue metaphors up her sleeve), and more than a little homophobic. 

It was more than just that. 

What if Karolina was bad at it? (She had read all the buzzfeed and bustle articles telling her she wouldn’t be, but what the fuck did they know?)

What if having sex changed everything between them?

Or worst of all, what if Nico loved her less?

Things were so good, but she didn’t know how to handle this part of there relationship that seemed to be hurtling towards something Karolina wasn’t ready for and couldn’t control.

Karolina was mortified at even the thought of telling Dr. Mendez about even a fraction of that. 

“No.” Karolina plastered on a smile, she knew Dr. Mendez would see through (she wouldn’t push though, that's one of the hundreds of reasons she liked her therapist so much. 

They talked through her homework and the progress she had been making, for the rest of the session; her mindfulness and meditation, getting more exercise (keeping up with Molly in the ocean was no easy feat, she started lifting weights with Chase just to even the playing field), and journaling. 

When she left, thanking Dr. Mendez, Nico was waiting for her, and like usual she was reading. 

“Hey.” Nico smiled up at her, closing her book

“Hey.” Karolina smiled back. 

They walked together towards coffee together, not really talking, but not silent either. There was a nagging thought as they walked, what would happen if she reached out and took Nico’s hand. 

Would Nico be ok with it? They were in love and dating and held hands in front of the team, and they made out (a lot), but what did that really mean? Nico had always been intensely private; she kept things to herself. She wanted to shout out how she felt from the rooftops, but that doesn’t mean that she should.  
This is what she had been talking about with Dr. Mendez, it was like her anxiety shifted; now she was spiraling, making a pro and con list about holding her girlfriends hand.

“I am going to hold your hand now, weirdo.” Nico rolled her eyes and Karolina gawked back at her. 

“Weirdo?” Karolina said, as Nico grabbed her hand threading their fingers together. 

“You have been trying to hold my hand,” Nico looked up at her, “And then changing your mind for three blocks.” 

They were holding hands, in public. Two girls. In a romantic relationship. 

Karolina looked around them, people were walking down the street, and standing and chatting in front of benches. 

No one cared. Karolina breathed out a shaky breath. 

“It’s nice.” Karolina offered. “Holding your hand.” 

“Hell yah, it’s nice.” Nico looked up at Karolina, “I was going to ask you something, but if holding your hand blew your mind, I don’t know if you can handle it.”

Karolina’s heart skipped a beat. Or more. 

“Tell me,” Karolina demanded, then softened, “Please.”

“I think we should go on a date.” Nico took her sunglasses from where they were resting on top of her head, down to the bridge of her nose. 

“Cool,” Karolina croaked, and then added, “I mean yes. For sure yes.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
They decided to go out that night, why not right? They had waited long enough. 

As they got ready, weaving in and out the bedroom, and bathroom, making stops to scour their closet or dresser (which they had been sharing for weeks, at some point, Nico’s room looked exactly like it had before they arrived). 

They both had done this before, getting ready for the Pride Gala before the battle in LA, when Karolina had just quietly wanted. It didn’t make her sad, thinking of that memory any more. She couldn’t regret the girl she was, who loved so deeply, without any inkling that the love she felt would be returned. 

“So, where are you taking me?” Karolina called over her shoulder, as she fastened her earrings bright gold stars. They had been a belated birthday present from Gert. When the team found out from Nico, that Karolina hadn’t told them about her birthday, within 24 hours she had a pile of presents shoved in her arms, along with a banana cake, with cream cheese frosting (Chase’s present, and Karolina’s favorite dessert). 

Besides Gert’s earrings, Molly got her a beanie with cat ears (she knew that Karolina had been coveting her pair), and Nico got her three spools of ribbon, for her to braid through her hair. 

(They also never took off each others bracelets, Karolina even wore hers swimming; a constant glint of gold, along with her heavy silver of her suppressor bracelet).  
“I already told you, it’s a surprise.” Nico replied, she was trying to tie her black corset top (it looked amazing over the white oxford shirt, in Karolina’s humble opinion). 

“Here let me help.” Karolina laced up the ties, and then pressed a small kiss at the nape of her neck. 

“Thanks.” Nico breathed out, “I will give you a hint if you want- don’t wear heels.”

“You just don’t want me to be even taller than you.”

Nico turned to look at her, and shrugged, making her way back to the bathroom.

“That’s only part of the reason, and that’s all I am telling you.”

“Tease!” Karolina shouted back. “You know I will have to drive us there right?” 

“You sure about that?” 

Karolina shook her head in exasperation, but she had a smile tattooed on her face too. She never thought she would be the kind of girl who was gently chagrined. It was Nico though, everything she had expected kind of went out the window with Nico. 

Karolina had never really dated before. There had been a couple dates with boys from Church, that were semi or completely orchestrated by her mother; group dates, and chaperoned outings. 

She was definitely not in the position to decide what was normal, but she assumed most people didn’t have their first real date after getting ready with the person in question. Or have there first date after saying ‘I love you’.

Well, Karolina thought, normal is just a buzzword. 

She put on a pale blue sundress with skinny straps and a hem that fell at mid thigh, and her favorite grey cardigan. Her hair was down around her shoulders, and not in her usual braid. She put on some lipstick, reapplied her sunscreen (she wasn’t sure what the skin cancer risks were with her alien DNA, still she thought it was better not to risk it.) 

“Hey babe,” Karolina called to Nico, “I will meet you down-”

Before she could finish, Nico rushed out of the bathroom, bright red lips and tight black jeans (staying home, where they had a king size bed in a room with a lock, suddenly was more attractive…) 

“I am ready,” Karolina shakes off the daydreams that had briefly occupied her mind, “Let’s go!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“We are hiking, I am wearing flip flops-” Karolina grumbled, they were walking on one of the many paths, that diverged from the Blue House. She had walked most of these with Nico or the rest of the team in the last few months (her mom was not really into hiking, and her Dad liked to run on the beach when they stayed here). This one was unfamiliar, probably because it was all uphill. Like literally up a hill. 

“We are not hiking,” Nico said, adjusting the straps of her backpack “We are going for a walk.”

“Up a hill.” Karolina added. 

“For like two seconds, I am going to need you to chill.”

“Can you please just tell me where we are going-” 

“Just wait.” Nico interrupted,“ God you're impossible.”

“You love me though.”

“Yah,” Nico smiled, “I do.”

They reached the top of the hill, the trees were becoming smaller and smaller, until they were gone completely and they were on top of a bluff, it must have been on the edge of the property, Karolina had never been there before. The bluff was skinny, maybe twenty feet across, and stretched, maybe ten times that until it dramatically cut off into the ocean. They were, maybe a hundred feet from the beach bellow, and from there they could see the Blue House in the distance. 

“I found this on one of my walks,” It was like Nico read her mind, “I thought-”

“It’s perfect.” Karolina was in awe. 

Nico seemed pleased. 

“Good,” She took off her backpack and she lifted it up, “I brought snacks and a blanket.”

They unpacked, setting up a picnic of sorts; a pint of strawberries, a toblerone, some sodas, kettle corn. The picked at the food and laughed, making stupid jokes and playing never have I ever as they laid on their stomachs, facing each other, the sun getting lower and lower in the sky.

“I love sunsets.” Nico said, breaking a comfortable silence that had overtaken. 

“Yah?” Karolina bit into a strawberries; it seemed like an odd thing to say. Who didn’t love sunsets? Especially today, when she was with a girl she loved, staring at brilliant pink and orange, like a painted backdrop. 

“I didn’t always.” Nico continued, “I didn’t get the appeal. I get it now.”

“Why?” Karolina tilted her head. 

“They remind me of you,” Nico said her hand trailing up Karolina's arm, leaving sparks in her wake.”

Nico used her arms to hoist herself into a seated position, and Nico did the same. 

“I can’t decide,” Karolina’s voice hitched, “If that’s unbelievably sweet or cheesy.”

They were inching closer and closer together. 

“Probably both,” Nico shrugged, “If I am being honest, but it’s the truth.”

Karolina leans in for a kiss, but it doesn’t stay the quiet peck that she meant, as soon as their lips meet, Nico deepens it; all Karolina can do is moan in response. Karolina leaned forward, her hands threading through Nico’s hair.

Nico’s mouth moved, from her lips to the place her head met her neck, lower, lower, lower, leaving what felt like molten lava in their wake. Karolina was dizzy with the feel of lips and pressure and teeth. 

Before she knew it Karolina was on her back and Nico was on top of her. That weight didn’t really affect her, (not heavy Nico was so small, not that she would ever tell her that). But having Nico straddling her stomach, her thighs, and oh god, where her thighs met, resting lightly but insistently, was doing things to her heart and skin and pulse. 

They had kissed before, hands tentatively exploring, but this felt like it was leading somewhere else. Nico’s lips were moving with purpose, and her hands were itching lower and lower, until they were grasping the hem of Karolina’s dress, and pushing it up, hands trailing up her thighs to her hips, dangerously close to her underwear. 

So much of her wanted those hands to continue, to go past the gentle exploration of the last few days. 

Karolina wanted more; that place were her legs met was uncomfortably hot, and she wanted, wanted wanted nico in her daydreams and when slept, and every time in between. 

Those anxieties were becoming more real than Nico, who was with her; she felt a thousand miles from her body, and yet she couldn’t escape.  
It was all too much, too fast, and the world was spinning and it was no longer the fun kind. 

“Stop please,” in her head Karolina meant to say it calmly, but it came out as a choked gasp.

“Karolina-” Nico sprang away from her, looking stricken. 

“I’m sorry.” Karolina whispered. 

“No I’m sorry I got carried away.” Nico looked like she had seen a ghost.

“We got both got carried away.” Karolina ran a hand through her hair nervously. 

“Okay, is there something more going on though?”

“I just,” tears welled up in Karolina’s eyes, “It just things happened so fast. I want to do, more.”

The word ‘more’ hung in the air, with so much meaning, so many possibilities. 

“I think I have a lot to work through,” Karolina whispered, “Between what almost happened with the lacrosse players, and this is my first time and I probably have some repressed issues, the Church wasn’t super ‘sex positive’-”

“That’s okay-”

“But you want-”

“Hey, hey, hey, babe,” Nico said, putting two hands on either side of Karolina’s face. “You waited for me for months, for years really. I can wait for you.”

“Yah?”

“Yah,” Nico said, “You are my favorite person and I am in love with you.”

“Me too.” Karolina wiped at her tears with her free hand. 

“See.” Nico smiled, threading her fingers through Karolina’s. “Nothing could ever tear us apart.” 

“Okay.” 

“It’s getting dark,” after a silence had threatened to swallow Karolina whole, “we should probably start walking back.”

“I have a better idea.” Karolina had a spark of inspiration

Nico made a very un-Nico like shriek as she scooped her up.

“Want to fly?”

“With you,” Nico said, securing her arms around Karolina’s neck, “Of course.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Karolina liked to watch Nico paint her nails. There was a single minded intensity there. Black polish, clear polish, that polish that makes it look matte (which was a thing, she guessed).

They were on the big bedrooms porch; After they got together, they spent more and more time on the two adirondack chairs, trying to soak up all of the late summer sun they could.

“What’s up, babe?” Nico looked up from her work. 

“I like it when you call me babe.” Karolina could hear that her voice was more than a little dreamy. She shook herself out of her revere, feeling a bit stupid. 

“Me too,” Nico didn’t seem to mind, she smiled, then she repeated, “What’s up, babe?”

“I am worried about the social worker coming.” Karolina said, averting her gaze. That was true, even if it wasn’t the truth in totality. Nico had seemed so scared to touch her, really touch her since their first date. They still fell asleep holding each other every night. They still kissed. It was like some of the fire had dimmed, it wasn’t that they were any less attracted to each other (at least Karolina didn’t feel that way), but there was a clear line in the sand, where they couldn’t go any further. Nicos hands stayed at Karolina’s waist, her mouth never moved from Karolina’s lips. 

If Karolina tried to go any further, Nico suddenly remembered something she had to do, or was tired and wanted to go to bed.

Karolina felt so guilty she wanted more, but couldn’t handle more, all the while making Nico feel as though she had to police every time they touched each other. She didn’t know what to do, but she worried if she talked to Nico about it, she would ruin what they still had together. 

“I am not going to ask why,” She returned to painting her nails, “Losing Molly would be a waking nightmare. But you have done everything possible to prepare.”  
That was true. The scheduled visitation had been on the calendar in the kitchen for 3 weeks. She had gone over a checklist with the lawyers, she had made sure that everyone knew every possible answer that every possible question the social worker might ask. 

She had also cleaned everything in the Blue House…twice. She had, maybe, over prepared, but then again, she hadn’t checked downstairs (in the past hour.) 

“You have done everything you can,” Nico smiled, putting her hand gently on Karolina’s thigh, it made Karolina’s heart race, but too quickly she moved her hand, going back to her work. 

“I am just going to go down stairs real quick…” Karolina suddenly felt like there was not enough air up here. 

“Don’t clean!” Nico called after her, seemingly unaware of the tempest currently residing in Karolina’s head. 

“Ok!” 

Karolina definitely cleaned. A lot.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
By the time the social worker left, Karolina was a mess. It wasn’t that the visitation went badly, in fact it went rather well all things considered. Karolina had built up the visitation into being a combination of being cross examined at a murder trial and the finals of cleanest home in america. In reality, a harried, forty year old lady with a comically large starbucks cup, came to the house asked ten questions, took a look around (she barely even looked up stairs), and then left in fifteen minutes, after giving them a date at court to make it all official. 

Karolina was happy, she really was, (although a bit worried about the social services in the US), but...

It was like all of her pent up anxiety had no outlet, that coupled with the continuing intimacy weirdness with Nico, she felt like a powder keg, ready to explode with so much as a spark.

So Karolina poured herself a glass of wine, and then another and then another, on the porch. She built a fire, and let the warmth of the wine, slide down her limbs.  
The rest of the team eventually joined her on the porch, and Karolina’s solitary wine party, turned into a ‘bbq/Molly’s staying thank you, California party’. They blasted music and Gert was on the grill (the team, smartly, didn’t comment which would, undoubtedly lead to Gert unleashing a wrath about gendered household labor). 

And Karolina well she drank her wine and eventually started dancing. 

“Lucy in the Sky” Karolina sang to herself, swaying, “With diamonds!”

“It’s your song babe,” Nico teased from her spot next to Gert, leaning against the house. 

“Damn,” Gert said, shaking her head, “I forgot when we gave ourselves code names. Mine was amazing-”

 

“Arsenic and Old Lace,” Karolina giggled, as though the literary pun was the best joke she ever heard. 

“I still don’t know how I feel about Bruiser,” Molly chimed in, and then she threw a look over to Chase, “Still better than ‘Talk back’.”

“Hey!”

“Lucy in the Sky is a lot cuter,” Nico walked over to where Karolina was still swaying, “Then Sister Grim.”

“Your cuter.” She giggled. 

“Babe, that doesn’t make sense.”

“You don’t make sense.” Karolina was feeling more and more petulant. Also a little dizzy. Maybe she should sit down.

“Oh my god.” Nico rolled her eyes. Why was she so cute when she rolled her eyes?

“Arsenic isn’t the best name either, hon.” Gert looked over at Chase, with a big smile. 

They were really cute together, Karolina should tell them before she forgot-

“At least you weren’t ‘talk back’.” Chase glowered. 

“It totally worked-” Molly started. 

“For you!” Chase fired back, good naturedly. 

“We are almost dancing,” Karolina whispered. Nico was holding Karolina’s hips, (probably just to keep her vertical, but it was nice all the same) and because she was taller when she swayed they swayed, like they were slow dancing. 

“Are we,” Nico asked, “I guess we are.” 

Karolina liked dancing with Nico, she should say something-

“This is nice,” Karolina said, “Will you go to homecoming with me?”

“Sure babe.” Nico said without a pause. Karolina was worried she didn’t get it.

“And dance.”

“Of course.” Nico said seriously (Karolina couldn’t tell if she was teasing her), but she was placated nonetheless.

They stayed like that for a while, ignoring the catcalls from the others, when they realized what they were doing. It was so nice, and Karolina was ready to close her eyes and...

“Hey, hey, hey” Nico’s voice in her ear, and her arms around her waist. “You’re swaying a little too precariously for me.” 

“Am not.” It felt clever in the moment. 

“Good one, dear.” Nico snarked, “Why don’t you sit down.”

“With you.” Karolina sounded pathetic, even to her own (drunk) ears. 

“Yah, with me.” Nico smiled as she lead her to one of the chairs, they fell into. They watched the others, who took up there dropped mantle of dancing, to Abba, and Prince and Queen. Karolina wondered if this would be the catalyst for her to start listening to the radio again; it might still be to painful, when she was by herself. She wasn’t sure if she was strong enough to relive memories of her father by herself. 

Karolina was almost asleep when she heard Nico whisper in her ear.

“Let’s go to bed.”

Even in her dazed state, a shock ran up and down her spine.

“Ok.” Karolina whispered back, “Ok.”

They wandered back upstairs, slower, with Nico’s help, she managed to get into bed, without much incident. 

(Except for Karolina asking if they could get a pig, and Nico reminding her that they already had a velociraptor, who probably would look at a pet pig, as well, lunch). 

She missed being this close to Nico, sure they fell asleep and woke up together, but there was something about being this close, that made Karolina remember viscerally, the moments before she had panicked, on the bluff.

That feeling of racing towards something that was meant to happen, something that almost felt inevitable. It was easy, with wine still coursing through her veins, the very real reasons she had halted there activities. 

All those sexual hangups and worries and anxieties seemed so small compared to the animal want that she was experiencing right now.  
She had figured it all wrong, doing this would cement what she had with Nico, it would make it harder for them to drift apart. 

There felt like there was nothing to fear now. When Nico went to the bathroom to wash her face, Karolina, lifted up the hem of her sundress, leaving her in her favorite bralette and underwear. 

Perfect. 

Her mind was wandering, what it would feel like, more and more skin touching, like they never had before, she didn’t realize Nico had entered the bedroom, until she hear her voice. 

“What are you doing.” Nico looked upset, and Karolina’s heart sunk. That was the last thing she wanted. 

“I just thought...”

“We can’t.” Nico looked more than a little panicked “Your drunk, I thought you weren’t ready.”

Karolina’s eyes narrowed, confused. 

“Please put this on.” Nico practically threw an article of clothing, that had been on an armchair near where she was standing. 

“Fine.” Karolina muttered petulantly, struggling more than she was proud of to get the sleep shirt on her body, that Nico had given her.

“Tell me what’s going on,” Nico’s words were rock solid, but her voice was like water, “Please.”

“I just want you to touch me again.” Karolina felt tears sting at the corners of her eyes.

“Ok,” Nico said, “Ok.”

She moved to sit next to Karolina on the bed, hands cupping her face. 

“You know I love you right?” Karolina couldn’t look at Nico, she was worried she would start crying if she did. 

Karolina nodded.

“I just don’t want to hurt you.” Karolina nodded again, she knew this. That was why she wouldn’t touch her, but she wanted to be touched, and she didn’t and everything was cloudy in her brain. 

“I know that,” She whispered.

“Good.” Nico paused, “Maybe I have been overly cautious, but you didn’t see the look on your face, when you asked me to stop, on our first date.”

“I get that.” 

“How about this, tomorrow,” Nico continued, “When you are sober, and have some coffee for your hangover, we will have a long probably, weird conversation about what we are both comfortable with. We can go from there.”

“That sounds good.” Karolina amended “Embarrassing, but good.”

“Good.” Nico smiled. Karolina, for the first time, noticed that Nico had changed into her pajamas, well partly her pajamas, the yellow tank top, with the white star was hers. That made her feel warm, in the center of her chest. 

“Can we still cuddle?” Even drunk, the words sounded stupid, and desperate to her own ears.

“Yes, love,” The new term of endearment, was noted, and carefully filed away, to examine at another time. 

“I just want you to know.” Karolina breathed in and out, when Nico was situated behind her, ready to sleep, “You are my home. As long as I’m with you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Karolina woke up, everything was to bright and too loud (stupid seagulls, why had she found this charming before?)

Karolina was on her back and Nico was wrapped around her; one leg thrown over hers, and her arm around her stomach. That part was nice. 

“I like that I can do this part.” Karolina mumbled. 

“Part of what?” Nico asked, stirring. 

“Playing grown up” Karolina snuggled in deeper into her pillow, “ That I get to wake up with you. Even if I am super hungover.”

Nico looked past Karolina, she looked a world away. 

“Hey.” Karolina reached out, and tucked a lock of hair behind Nico’s ear “Come back please.”

“I didn’t go anywhere.” Nico said stubbornly. 

“For long,” She amended, “I didn’t go anywhere for long. I’m here, promise.”

“I am going to start practicing with the Staff of One, today.” Nico offered, Karolina smiled, even though it wasn’t close to what she was asking about. 

“That’s amazing,” And it was, but Karolina didn’t love how cloudy, Nico’s face was. “What’s wrong though?”

“I am worried about school starting again.” Nico mumbled into her pillow, “I just woke up worried-”

School, she had been so overcome with Nico, and the social worker visitation, she hadn’t had room to worry about that. The start of school, had been looming closer and closer. A whole new mountain to climb.

Even if that was true (which it probably was) it didn’t mean it was the truth in totality. 

“It wasn’t because I-”

“It wasn’t about you getting drunk, babe.” Nico’s tone was gentle, but firm, “Or what you said, or did. We have needed to have a conversation about it and we will. We need coffee first though.”

Karolina scrunched up her nose, embarrassed, but she nodded. 

“I am worried, about things getting dark again.” Nico said, “When things are harder, but it won’t be summer forever”

Silence filled the bedroom, and Karolina’s heart sunk. It was true, what if this bubble popped when she had to share not only Nico, but the rest of the team with the world? 

She knew the world couldn’t just be the team, Nico, Dr. Mendez forever, but a selfish part of her wanted to hole up in the Blue House and never leave. That wouldn’t be fair though, for anyone. 

“I am worried too.” Karolina said, she reached out and kissed Nico’s forehead. “But we will be able to do it.”

“Yah,” Nico smiled, even though her eyes were looking more than a little red, and watery “We can do anything.”

“Together.” Nico grabbed Karolina's hand, bringing it up to kiss. 

“Together.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was Saturday morning and Nico was practicing with the Staff of One on the beach, Chase was tinkering upstairs with the x-ray goggles in “his room” (really his workshop, because he slept with Gert, every night ), and Molly and Gert were playing with Old Lace in the crashing waves. 

Karolina was drinking coffee. 

She took a sip, and closed her eyes, and listened to the sound of the waves, shrieking laughing, an electric saw, Nico loudly swearing. She could smell salt, feel the sun, and she felt like she glowed from the inside, that even with her suppressor she was a watercolor of pink and purple, a rainbow. She and Karolina had talked, before she went to practice with the staff of one, what was sure to be one of hundreds of conversations. It was hard and embarrassing, but necessary. They were going to be fine. 

Karolina was going to be fine. 

She always hurt, a little, a small, persistent ache of grief for her father, her mother, even Alex, maybe especially Alex. A boy of seventeen, who made the wrong choice one too many times and it cost him his life. 

Sometimes that hurt wasn’t small, after a nightmare, either hers or Nico’s, woke them up, but it was getting better. 

Karolina did her homework from therapy. She cherished her friends, who were now and forever her family. She loved the girl she thought would never love her back, with an open heart and open arms. 

She opened her eyes and felt love all around her, everywhere; for once she wasn’t terrified that this love, this happiness was going to be taken away from her.  
In an hour of two, everyone would retreat back to the living room, Old Lace, taking a well deserved nap on the front porch (they had bought the world’s biggest dog bed, and she loved it). They would make sandwiches, and eat leftovers, and speculate what teacher, they would have for AP English and Chemistry. Nico would reach out and hold Karolina’s hand, and they would help wash up and they would walk down the sand, and talk about nothing, and the universe, and kiss, only stopping when the tide rose up to their knees. 

They would go to school next week, and maybe, one day, someone would call on them to fight for the people of LA, or maybe the world. Those challenges would be draining, and hard, but they could handle it. They could handle anything. 

She could see it so clearly, it almost brought tears to her eyes, what a difference, a summer can make. 

Karolina took another sip of her coffee, and placed her mug on the kitchen counter. She walked up to the radio, and plugged it in and turned it on. She stopped fiddling with it the second she heard music. 

“I listen to my words but  
They fall far below  
I let my music take me where  
My heart wants to go”

It was a song her dad liked, Cat Stevens, and there were tears in her eyes, but Karolina was so, so happy.

She was going to have the best life, walking beside her family, with Nico holding her hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What y'all think?
> 
> Everyone who read, commented or gave me a kudos. You are a rock star, thank you so much :)
> 
> I already have two one shots for this au in the works (I will give you a clue, 'homecoming', 'first time ;)))
> 
> Please leave a comment and tell me if you liked the ending of this story, and what one shots (or not one shots) you want for this au, another au, or gasp from the canon.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think :)


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